What's Wrong with the Big Ten: Cratered Expectations

(ed. note: something resembling real life has caused me to put this off for an extended period of time - this blog will be updated more consistently when it isn't the offseason, obviously)

...and moonlights as head coach of the Minnesota Golden Gophers football team

The third and final category of afflictions currently facing the eleven illustrious proud existing Big Ten programs is one that is difficult to alleviate and for which blame, if there is any, cannot be easily laid at any one individual's feet. Northwestern, Indiana, Minnesota, and Purdue - one prestigious world-class institution and three kinda-good state schools not unlike Ohio State- haven't been football factories since at least the '60s and will have difficult times becoming one in the near future. This I understand. Indiana is a basketball school, and thus, realistically, the football team will never take up much more than 20-30% of the average Indiana fan's attention, provided their roundball program stays good. Purdue is similar, and Minnesota may be heading that direction as well. Northwestern, on the other hand, has a knack for fielding annoying, scrappy teams in both revenue sports that will upset your sorry ass if you aren't paying attention. The problem with the programs I'm outlining is a general malaise within the programs; the fanbases are settling for less and getting it more often than not, but as we'll see, these programs are showing signs of being on the up-and-up already.

Minnesota is particular is interesting. I considered leaving them off this category after seeing them schedule a game against USC. Now, Minnesota is going to get drawn and quartered and then have their arms and legs individually drawn and quartered individually by USC in both games, but it showed me that the football program is looking to get exposure, and actually, shocker of shockers, get better with the ensuing recruiting buzz. Tim Brewster is probably not the greatest gameday coach. His teams exhibit extraordinary amounts of boneheadedness on both sides of the ball and, for all his excitement (and consumption of otherworldly amounts of cocaine and cocaine-related products), his antics have not produced the enthusiasm he probably wants from the fanbase (hence the lack of expectations). However, he's recruiting relatively well: Minnesota had the 59th ranked class in 2007, but shot up to 28th in 2008 according to Scout.com. 2009 is iffy at 45th, but if his teams start producing on the field, I have the slightest bit of confidence he can turn it around and field relatively competitive teams at some point in the near future. Right now, I can't advocate for his firing because his body of work is so relatively limited, and Glen Mason had gutted the program talent-wise at the end of his tenure. I recommend a new defensive coordinator, but they have one after Ted Roof bolted for Auburn.

Indiana is one of the schools I simply cannot fault for not fielding a competitive football team. It is the definition of a basketball school. Provided Tom Crean gets them back on track, this should not change unless the football team enters an era of sudden, shocking dominance. So what can they do to at least make bowl games consistently and give the Big Ten the impression of depth at even the basement level? It's safe to say Indiana talent is not anything anyone will be building a program on any time soon. They've already "gone spread", but they've basically been that way since the days of Antwaan Randle El. If Indiana really wants football to blow up for whatever reason, it has to get a more exciting head coach. Prior to writing this piece, I had to sit and think hard for nearly 45 seconds before I could name Terry Hoeppner's successor Bill Lynch. There is simply nothing remarkable about him. It's an odd criticism to have, but when you're Indiana, the guy selling "no bowl wins since the Gulf War in something called the Copper Bowl" is awfully important. The Googles tell me he's a nice guy. One particularly dark, lifeless, scary armpit of the internet emphatically believes he may be, but he's also a jackass who can't coach. Yeah, you read that guy right: he expects Indiana to win Big Ten championships. In like, football. While I don't think anyone outside of that guy sets their expectations above 8-4 and the Insight Bowl or some other bowl in a horrid southern backwater, I do think they'd like to see their team stay competitive on occasion with Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State et al. To me, the best way to build a struggling program is around a younger coach who can relate to his players. Bill Lynch, that is not.

Purdue next year will be the second Big Ten team this decade to go the "hand-picked successor" route. Danny Hope, cloned from one of Joe Tiller's tusks served as offensive line coach this past season after being brought up from Eastern Kentucky. Hope had a winning season all five years at Eastern Kentucky, setting up a good precedent for the program. Not a good sign, however: his first recruiting class: 64th, worse than such college football luminaries as Washington State, Duke and Baylor. This, of course, cannot all be laid at his feet and his first few years should see him being granted leniency over Tiller's turrible recruiting of late. I think it's safe to say that Purdue's offensive system has at the very least gone stale; if Hope wants to give defenses fits with a spread attack, he needs to recruit mobile quarterbacks and lightning dwarf skill position players, and he needs to go after the state of Florida like a pack of dogs on a one-legged cat. Literally every quick shifty little bastard not picked up by an SEC team, Ohio State, Michigan or USC, needs to be getting his ear talked off by Danny Hope.

Northwestern is a team and a program that really only needs a defensive identity. The offense has routinely been one of the hardest to stop in the Big Ten; even Ohio State and Michigan have had their troubles with the Purple Patricians, and this year's Alamo bowl appearance and promising shifty little bastard Mike Kafka probably starting next year, it's safe to say that this is a program mostly on the up-and-up, four straight dick-kickings by Ohio State aside. It's also safe to say that they probably will never be among the elite, lacking the prestige, the tradition, and the academic flexibility of most other big name programs. Nonetheless, Northwestern was a thorn in the side of Missouri and has a good chance of being more than that if it can just find some defense.

In sum, the Big Ten is not in good shape; this we all know. But amongst the true dregs of the conference - Minnesota, Northwestern, and even Purdue, there are small modica of hope, even if it's entirely in the future. At the top, the Big Ten needs tweaking. In the middle, it seems to be needing overhaul. At the bottom, it may be improving more than anyone realizes if the new coaching hires actually pan out the way the schools want them to do. This is, of course, conjecture; the Big Ten's future may exceed my wildest dreams and it may slip into (remain in?) the dregs of the BCS system with the Big Easts and ACCs of the college football world. But it doesn't have to be that way. Each of these programs can improve in some way. If you're a conference strength goomba, this is how the Big Ten gets better.

What's Wrong With the Big Ten: Dead Weight

Single-handedly destroying once-proud programs, one loss to a MAC team at a time

To some, this section may seem a little harsh. After all, the gentlemen pictured above are in the early stages of their coaching careers at their respective schools, one took his team to a Rose Bowl, and the other took his team to 12-win season in 2006. Both of them seem like relatively nice guys, in the same way everyone seems like a "nice person" when you hardly know them beyond a shared conversation or two. In all honesty, one is arguably a cokefiend and the other is arguably a meathead, possibly a hellspawn. I have no problem criticizing either of these two.

We begin first with Ron Zook of Illinois, more popularly known as [NAME REDACTED] to Blogfrica. His first season can be forgiven; he took over a team with really no talent to speak of left over from the Ron Turner era, and lead them to a 2-9 season. His second season is when Illinois boosters and the athletic department should have gotten a little wary of exactly what was going on in the wonderful little world that must exist in Ron Zook's head. He named Juice Williams his starter shortly into the season. This starter completed 39.6% of his passes on the season, looking like a freshman in every single game but being bailed out by yet another hapless Michigan State team under John L. Smith. There did not appear to be much hope for the future as the coach clung desperately to the promising-but-still-very-raw scrambler with a howitzer arm. Illinois actually improved on its loss total under the new scheduling rules, losing 10 games out of 12 and signaling what was thought to be an early doom for the Ron Zook era. To be honest, calls for his job at this point would have been very Ohio State - ridiculous and way too damn early. Yeah, it sucks, but you can muddle through. I tend to subscribe to the "three years and you're out" school of thought; if a coach takes over a failing program and doesn't lead them to at least a .500 season by his third year - and this "time limit", if you will, is negotiable, depending on circumstances such as the overall talent level when he arrives, expectations, etc. - he should probably be let go.

It can be said Zook responded quite well; the next season the Illini won 9 games, including a surprising win over top-ranked Ohio State. Well, I say this with tongue in cheek, because if you followed that team over the season, you knew it didn't look like a number one team and was only there because literally every team ahead of them at the start of the season had lost at one point or another. Ohio State was not that good, but it was still a respectable, potentially-program-building win for Zook, who rode his star quarterback all season long. Illinois went to a Rose Bowl and found itself in well over its head, but considering Williams was only a sophomore, things were looking bright.

It was not until his fourth year that the Zooker aura fully set in. Given the loss of some senior leadership on D (and undoubtedly the greatest patriot this country has ever known), a step down was expected, partially offset by the gains the offense - especially the passing game - was expected to make. Really, Illinois delivered on offensive expectations in terms of an improved passing game, but the running game was surprisingly lackluster; surprising because the talent was there, and so, arguably, was the offensive line. The passing game did improve drastically, but key elements of what made the Illini competitive in the Big Ten again - the rushing game and the defense - were simply gone. Illinois lost a defensive tackle, two linebackers, and both safeties, and utterly fell apart. That's a little more than half the defense returning; it should have taken a step back, but it should not have collapsed as it did in 2008. Were I an Illini fan, I would be extremely wary of this guy in 2008; if the team does not improve drastically with the influx of young talent, it has to be time to let Zook go. Florida fans would probably be the first tell you that this was not a good hire; the man has turned in one good season off the backs of unbelievable amounts of talent given Illinois' recent history. A younger, more - uh - rational coach - and some defense, jeez - would be a Godsend to the Big Ten and Illinois.

Wisconsin. Hoo boy. I have to say that I liked Barry Alvarez. A lot. Something about him made him more likable than your average coach. No idea why. When he left for Wisconsin's AD job, I was fully confident the guy would only approve a genius of a successor, one who wouldn't change what Barry left behind but also build on it. When he chose Bret Bielema, I figured the Bielema would do a heckuva job (Brownie) so and so forth and what not. I really didn't think much of it until he went 12-1 in his first season - on, admittedly, a schedule featuring various schools for the Blind and Infirm plus Michigan as the only vaguely good team - and Bielema looked like the Wisconsin Cheese Warrior God-King. I'll admit, this was my Scout/Rivals period, and I bought into the hype.

Then 2007 happened, and then 2008 happened. In both years, Wisconsin was expected to at least compete for the Big Ten title, and possibly find itself in a nice little BCS spot - probably the Rose Bowl - if it does just that. 2008 was a down year for Michigan, and 2007 was down for both Michigan and Penn State. This should not have been hard. In 2007, after a 5-0 start, Bielema met with his brother-in-failures Ron Zook, and lost. Wisconsin then lost four of the next eight, including a 31-point curbstomping at the hands of Penn State. Anthony Morelli was the starting QB for Penn State. ANTHONY "2-INTS A GAME" MORELLI. This is not that hard, Bielema.

I, and perhaps many Wisconsin fans, forgave Bielema for 2007. He's not perfect; while the conference may be down, this is a "young team" and all that. But 2008 was just bad. You goons lost to Michigan. Ten dickless paraplegics with an emu playing quarterback could have beaten Michigan this year. Actually, they did: Notre Dame beat Michigan 35-17; though to be blunt, Michigan would probably have won that game had the return team not been dipping their hands in butter and bacon grease on the sidelines. The heartbreaker to Ohio State is forgivable - by the end of the season it was obvious Ohio State was better than its 35-3 shitkicking at the hands of USC, and that it could, in fact, hang with 'elite programs'. A 20-17 loss to that team is entirely forgivable.

But, 48-7 to Penn State? At home, night game? That's fail with a capital "FUCKING HELL YOU INGRATE". Purdue held Penn State to 20 points, Ohio State held them to 13. Wisconsin's talent on defense is not that far removed from either of those two schools. Penn State, as I said before, during, and after the season, was not that good. Upon being smacked in the mouth, as pointed out in the post prior to this one, Penn State Big Tens itself into an oblivion of off tackle runs for three yards and wobbly underthrown desperation bombs. Wisconsin supplied all the butt Penn State wanted it to in that game, and it didn't have to be that way. This is Bielema at his worst; losing games Wisconsin, on talent alone, has every reason to be quite competitive in, and possibly win. Barry Alvarez would have won that game, I say this with no proof whatsoever but goddamn it, it violates laws of nature to lose that big at home if you aren't Just Northwestern, or Indiana. That's a loss the dregs of the conference look at and say, "damn, they just got their shit pushed up". Is it all Bielema's fault? It's never "all" anyone's fault (except when talking about Jim Bollman and the Ohio State "offense"); there are a number of factors including Wisconsin's terrible luck of the draw at quarterback, namely: they all suck some serious dong. Allan Evridge was unspeakably awful against almost everyone, and Dustin Sherer, while respectable until has late collapse in the Champs Sports Bowl, didn't really add anything to the offense.

I am not arguing that the aforementioned goons be fired because they aren't winning enough. If I were Barry Alvarez and whatever old white dude Illinois calls its AD, they'd be out the door based on a lack of results and the fact that they are not bringing anything new to the program, anything for recruits or the fanbases to get excited about. I call them dead weight because that's what they are; you don't have to get rid of dead weight. You can let it slow you down, and eventually drag you down. But you don't have to do anything about it if it violates your principles as an academic institution or whatever lamebrained excuse apologists trot out when it comes torch-and-pitchfork time.

The third and final section of this prolonged, needless rant deals with the cratered expectations of various teams - and of course, their fanbases - around the conferece.

I wasn't aware Texas recruited from Outworld

That has to be some sort of recruiting violation. When Mack Brown pulled in the "26-year old" (immortal) Outworld Sorcerer and Necromancer Quan Chi in 2001 as a WR, NAMBLA recruiting services somehow missed it as quite possibly the steal of the decade. You see, Quan "Cosby" has no use for your "route-running" or your "zone defense", aspects of a merely mortal existence, instead utilizing his teleportation ability like so:

Anderson Russell's bicycle kicks do not faze the Quan

As you saw during last night's game, Quan teleported to the perfect spot, equidistant between Anderson Russell and Marcus Freeman, tossed a random giant fucking screaming green skull Anderson's way, and sped into the end zone before you can say "Mortal Kombat 4 fucking sucked and so did its sequels". That shit's not fair. That has to be like, a penalty or something. The refs were handing those out like candy yesterday, but up and disappeared right then. I guess the GFSGS got to them as well. I propose a new NCAA regulation: all athletes must be recruited from Earthrealm.

Also, there is no truth to the rumor that, in order for Quan to "sign" with the Longhorns (in blood, of course), Mack Brown traded Will Muschamp's soul, cursing his body to remain in Austin for eternity. I think.

(Ed note: I will not be typing out a serious response to the game anytime soon. Probably. For me, the grief is still too near.)

Fiesta!

Come all you rambling boys of pleasure
O-linemen of easy leisure
We must kick 'Horn ass and hope we'll see
Arizona once again

Some housekeeping: I may be moving into new digs in the near future. Whenever it happens, I'll drop the link here so all five of you can follow me.

What the fuck, Scout?

So I made the mistake of dropping by the Ohio State Scout website today, only to see that recruiting has hit a new high (low?) in overall creepiness. The young man above is a freshman for an Ohio high school football team. A freaking freshman. I could not tell you which high school he plays for, because I am not a pederast. Look, I know the guys at Scout have jobs to do and probably get paid for well for what they do, but come on. He's a freshman, damn it. The kid is about five minutes older than my youngest cousin, someone I remember as a newborn. Soon he'll get hair in funny places and start thinking about girls.

I'm exaggerating, but before this kid has had to memorize the Preamble, he's got 40 year old dudes, Scouts and fans of teams he may or may not be interested in salivating over his "athletic ability", his "hip swivel" and his "body control". Calm down, you dirty pedos, and at least wait till the kid is within shouting distance of 18 so he can immediately recognize your sweaty, fat, poorly-mustachioed asses for what you are, answer your questions, and avoid your shit until signing day.




"Hip swivel", dude.