Buckeye (Bowl) Breakdown

Okay, since I was dumb enough to start this blog after Ohio State's football season has ended, I figured I should first discuss a topic most relevant to the team: the bowl picture. Things cleared up all nice and tidy-like with Oregon's successful Rape of the Oregon State Beavers (hurr hurr durr Beavers) and Pillage of greater Corvallis (is Corvallis big enough to justify a "greater"?). The 65-38 blowout knocked the Beavers out of their potential Rose Bowl grudge match against Penn SHTAAAAAAAATE, and vaulted both Ohio State and Boise State into the at-large picture.

Ohio State's most likely destination, should they land in the BCS, will be either the Fiesta Bowl or the Sugar Bowl. Since the BCS rotates the order of bowl picks year-by-year, each year a different BCS bowl picks first. This year's it the Fiesta. Assuming Oklahoma wins the Big 12 championship game, it'll land in the MNC to play the winner of the SEC championship game. Thusly, all the questions of whether or not anemic offenses in the SEC are the result of superb, NFL talent-laden defenses and whether or not the outright-redonkulous offenses of the Big 12 are the result of lackluster defenses will be answered forever and ever amen and annoying fans on both sides will shut the fuck up and stop bothering people who aren't even fans of teams in their conference some of whom don't know the first damn thing about football and most of whom couldn't give less of a shit and we'll never again have to have these stupid distance pissing contests that would make Scout and Rivals message board pedophiles douchebags proud. Right.

Anyway, the Fiesta picks first, remember? Chances are good that the Fiesta Bowl officials are going to remember how Ohio State fans made Tempe a Blood Orgy The University of Ohio State at Tempe in 2002, 2003, 2005, and 2006, and will snatch us right up to be led to the slaughter at the hands of Texas or Texas Tech (fuck you and your archaic championship system, Big 12). Bring your daught-ah, bring your daught-ah, and all that:

Failing that, the Sugar bowl will take Ohio State, pairing them off against the SEC runner-up. The thinking here will likely be "how can we improve the image of a conference whose probable champion lost at home to Count Giggity and LOL Miss"? The answer: pair them up with an Ohio State team that still sees something useful in the services of the Jokester Jims. Who, you ask? Jim Bollman and his nefarious Bucktache and Jim Heacock and his cute daughter undying, desperate, unbridled passion for deploying the soft zone against any team with any talent not named Penn SHTAAAAAAAAAATE. This Deadly Alliance was largely the undoing of Ohio State in the last two title games and oh yeah, That One Game Out West of which we do not speak (except to bitch and moan). I'm willing to wager that, in order to disrupt a once-unthinkable crisis of confidence in backwater SEC country, the Sugar Bowl will take an Ohio State team that probably isn't deserving of a BCS berth.

If the world ends and Boise State and Utah are both selected over the Buckeyes, hope will renew, as we would fall to either the Orange or Capital One Bowls, both winnable. The OB would pit the Buckeyes against the winner of the ACC championship; either Boston College or Va Tech. This is not likely, as Cincinnati, Big East champ is much more likely to fall into this spot because there isn't anywhere else they would fit in the BCS easily. The Capital One bowl might not sound sexy now that the Buckeyes look to be BCS bound, but, in this intrepid blogger's opinion, is the most likely to yield a win, because Georgia looked erm, beatable, against Georgia Tech this last week.

The Georgia Tech that beat Wofford.

By three points.

Wofford.

Three points.

TL;DR: We're headed to Tempe, Nawlins, possibly even Orlando for New Years. Wherever you go, bring the lube.