What's Wrong With The Big Ten: The Bitch Mentality

You won't be needing these kidneys anymore.

The Bitch Mentality, you ask? If you aren't a college football blogosphere illiterate you read EDSBS, you should have a general idea of what I'm talking about. I'm not freely ripping from the inimitable Orson, I have my reasons. The Bitch Mentality, the state of bitchness personified by Tommy Bowden's tenure at Clemson, sorely affects the Big Ten's upper tier . In my estimate, the bitch mentality refers to Bowden's inability to utilize his talent being a genuine bitch and crawling into a hole when the going got tough.

This may seem a little generic at first; most coaches will tell you that being down fourteen or more is not the time to panic, it's the time to make sure your "execution" is perfect on both sides of the ball, that you're "winning your battles", so on and so forth. You'd get coach-speak, something Big Ten coaches seem to have down to a science. Across the board, Paterno, Tressel, Ferentz, and Dantonio all suffer from a similar problem. They're guys who project a quiet, contemplative, conservative persona in public and, for the most part, on the sidelines, while likely being fiery, angry leaders within the walls of the locker room. This is all well and good, for the most part, but I can't help but get the image that their players are not buying into the fiery exterior exhibited by the ol' softies once the camera is off. They think it's an act, to be blunt. This may seem like pure conjecture, but when these teams play games against teams with a pulse OOC, I think it shines through.

It is often observed that a team's demeanor reflects that of their head coach. The aforementioned coaches pride themselves on running "business trips" during big away games and bowl games. They wind their teams tight, telling them not to make any mistakes on and off the field. More often than not, it spills onto the field with negative effects - personal fouls, turnovers, etc. The apogee of Tressel's "business trip" mentality came one year after he ran a relatively loose ship in the desert in '06. After that debacle, the adjustment was understandable. He fired them up with a highlight tape of Mark May doing what Mark May does, and they came out tightly wound and angry, so angry they committed multiple game and drive-killing penalties, including personal fouls. This must be frustrating for Tressel, I'm sure, because it didn't seem like there was a right way to run things. Texas, USC, and LSU were all loose and carefree prior to their big games and bowl games against OSU, the Buckeyes and the Gators were the tightly wound ones. Urban Meyer channeled that anger into a largely penalty-free ferocious effort in which Buckeye dreams of glory died and hope ultimately failed. Jim Tressel could not. This makes him no less of a coach; 115 other teams probably would have lost to that LSU team, especially at the level of health it had reached prior to the bowl game.

Jim Tressel's struggles in the postseason were largely laid at his feet and his feet alone; while the Big Ten struggled overall in postseason play, Wisconsin, Penn State, and Michigan all could point to victories over reasonably good SEC teams. As usual, the truth lay somewhere in the middle of "It's all Ohio State's fault" and "the Big 10 is irredeemably bad and will be so forever and ever anon". The reality was, the Big Ten's stubborn defiance of this newfangled "21st century" and its commie faggot football was killing it from within.

Ohio State under John Cooper, for all its failures, rolled up into joints like gangbusters more often than not (and probably rolled plain old joints with gleeful aplomb, too). While conservative at heart, John Cooper fielded arguably some of the best offenses in the history of Ohio State football, with talent unheard of in the Bruce years: George, Boston, Glenn, Hoying, Pace. Cooper was a recruitin' demon, recruitin' demons who ran an offense that was genuinely difficult to stop more often than not during the mid-to-late 90's. With the hiring of Jim Tressel, Ohio State knew what it was getting; in the Big Ten, Tressel's formula for success sounded like a winner: ball control, little-to-no-mistakes, play defense, and punt. With the possible exception of 2006, this is Jim Tressel football. If the defense can hold the opponent under 17 points - not a particularly tall task given the state of offenses in the Big Ten - "Tresselball" usually gets the job done. The problem is that against solid opponents, this has proven to be stupid, stupid gameplanning. I say this with no coaching experience whatsoever, but the results speak for themselves. As much as it may make me seem like the average Scout board denizen, the offense needs to put points on the board, many of them, in any way possible. Offenses powered by Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow, even Chris "Spotless Jersey" Leak are difficult to hold under 24 points with any consistency. Playing it tight - running the ball twice before a desperate, hopeless lob to a streaking WR, lining the corners up 10 yards off the LOS - simply doesn't work against teams who have been preparing for you for a month.

Iowa, not exactly a talent haven, has its issues with the Bitch Mentality. This past year, it had good reason; it had Shonn Greene, a force of nature, in the backfield. It had no need of a "passing game". But as we saw in 2007 and 2006, when Greene was either benched, ineligible, or wandering the Tibetan wilderness, searching for the meaning of life and the secret to pwning any and every foe you'll ever face, Drew Tate and Jake Christiansen lobbing up desperation bombs to Iowa's shockingly fast white dude (they always have one, ONE I TELL YOU) does not work with any consistency either. In case you were sleeping through the early part of this decade, Iowa has always been tagged as an up-and-coming team, and more often than not, when it plays good competition, it plays relatively well, but is ultimately done in by the inadequacies of its offense. Its defense is traditionally stellar; and it should be with guys named Humpal, Klinkenborg, and Angerer routinely suiting up in the admittedly badass black and gold. But outside of its miracle, come-from-behind, pulled-straight-out-of-the-ass victory against LSU in the Capital One bowl a few years back, the Hawkeyes have precisely one "elite" win in the last six years: a 33-7 dick-kicking of Ohio State in 2004. The Bitch Mentality is strong with this one, but when it works, it's shaming Ohio State in one specific category: the Hawks have three wins over SEC teams in bowl games in the 2000's alone. That being said, Iowa on its present course is due for bowl game shitkickings, many of them, if it can get over the hump, beat Ohio State, Penn State, and make the BCS using its offensive system. I don't think it will, and thus will have to settle for beating meh SEC squads (again, nothing I can criticize as an Ohio State fan) for the time being.

Penn State actually deserves a lot of credit for breaking away, for the most part, from tired old Woody-and-Bo-and-probably-Joe-too mentalities. In debuting its magooly (second definition)-named "Spread HD" offense, the Nittanies actually seemed to be attempting to bring the Big Ten, kicking and screaming of course, into the 21st century well before RichRod got the chance to. Instead, in pressure-packed situations, the call from the zombie booth seemed to override the need for a diverse, creative offense, and Penn State folded up and reverted to the good, Christian 3-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust mentality. See the Ohio State game for future reference. If Penn State placed a premium on moving the ball through the air, and if Darryl Clark was a little more accurate, the Nittanies could have had the same success through the air that Colt McCoy and Texas had with arguably less talented receivers than PSU. Nonetheless, the game ended 13-6 and offensive football in the Big Ten was set back another forty years. Another game like that and Paterno will be debuting the dazzling new "Swinging Gate" formation come September. It was ugly. In what could have been a showcase for Big Ten talent and innovation on Saturday Night on ABC, in front of Musberger and Herbie, both teams laid an offensive egg and it ended 13-6. The final touchdown was, in true Woody-and-Bo fashion, a QB sneak. It was also by a back-up who most assumed would eventually transfer, making the game even less compelling than it had been. Against USC, Penn State maintained a rather efficient blend of Paternoball and the Spread HD, but again, in clutch moments, seemed to revert to bitch status, doing the Big Ten proud in that regard. Penn State needs badly to pick and offensive gameplan - ideally the one that has the most success, the Spread SOMETHIN' OR OTHER I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DIRTY SPANIARDS, and stick with it, through good and bad times. In the second half against USC, I'm not entirely convinced Penn State's relative success was entirely due to USC letting up on the pedal, given that USC almost never lets up on the pedal once it's up by 20 or more.

Michigan dealt a potentially fatal blow to the perception of the Big Ten as a collection of old hat programs bitterly clinging to 60's mentalities by hiring the spread-option guru Rich Rodriguez. While 3-9 is not how he or anyone else (outside of Michigan's rivals) wanted the first season to go, an unmistakable seed for success was planted. In my mind and the minds of these furries, at least. It will not be easy taking Michigan to the heights I still feel it is capable of achieving after the 2007 nadir of the Lloyd Carr era. If Woody Hayes was the God of the Big Ten's backward ways, Bo was the Holy Ghost and Lloyd was the Son. Great guy, with an excellent taste in literature and whatnot, and for the most part a good coach, but not someone who was moving the program forward. Sounds horribly cynical, I'm sure, but it's true. You saw Michigan's offensive line, it's utter lack of safeties, it's terribly thin situation at quarterback, and its utter inability to make up for the talent deficit on the field - due to transfers, early departures and a truly shocking amount of guys who simply quit football. Lloyd Carr was an old man, tired, and beaten down from years of providing consistent excellency on the field. Unlike his relatively young counterparts at Ohio State and Iowa, he had reasons for his staunch football conservatism. Michigan has done all it can to allay its bitch mentality. Now we must merely wait and see.

Next, I discuss the conference's dead weight; coaches who probably aren't taking their teams anywhere of importance.

What's wrong with the Big Ten, a preface

Even the most ardent of Big Ten homers are now (probably) willing to admit the conference is now on a significant downward trend. There are no more denials here; Ohio State is no longer the only one publicly shaming the conference, though we certainly did our damnedest in the last two title games. The Big Ten can no longer lord victories over SEC teams Tennessee, Arkansas, and yes, even Florida so easily over anyone, really. Not only are those games officially old hat according to the media and Scout and Rivals types - having occurred prior to the 2008 season, after all - they were close affairs that were ultimately decided by turnovers one way or the other. There was no dominance to be had, and even these victories came over teams that were 2nd or 3rd best in their conference, in relative down years for two of the programs, Tennessee and Florida. Regardless of how you approach past "big game" postseason victories, the Big Ten did not fare well - at all - in the 2008 postseason. For seemingly the third straight year, conference tin cans like Northwestern and Michigan State hung tough against teams that supposedly outmatched them athletically and schematically, only to lose late in their typical fashion. In 2007, Michigan State was in the game four quarters longer than it should have been against Boston College, and relatively evenly-matched Wisconsin and Tennessee teams traded blows until a late Volunteer pick sealed the game. In 2006, Wisconsin and Penn State pulled out squeakers against Arkansas and Tennessee respectively, before Ohio State shat the bed early and often against Florida.

Now it has come to this; a 1-6 mark in postseason play, highlighted by an Iowa rout of a truly feckless South Carolina team, and lowlighted by another Rose Bowl blowout and Ohio State getting its heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly by the Longhorns of Texas. It was tough to watch: Wisconsin played Florida State close until an apocalyptic flurry of turnovers turned a relatively close affair into 42-13 Seminole romp. I do not need to tell you that Florida State does not have Peter Warrick and Chris "Treebeard" Weinke tossing the ball around anymore. They are bad. And their quarterback has the worst surname of any quarterback outside of "Jimmy Interception" and "Nathan Fumbledsnap": Christian Ponder. Penn State was down by three touchdowns in the blink of an eye to a USC team that is very good, but not that good. Northwestern repped itself fairly well before losing to a thoroughly slightly-above-average Missouri team. I slept through Iowa's win over South Carolina, not knowing it would be the Big Ten's only glimpse at fleeting postseason glory. Michigan State gave Georgia as much guff as it possibly could, but as I called in Dr. Saturday's liveblog, would not win if it gave up a touchdown to Georgia. It did. Three of them.

Actually, it wasn't just tough to watch. It was brutal at times. Big Ten teams, almost across the board, responded to adversity by going into a shell at which Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler would have gawked. It was truly a sight to see in its uniformity. Wisconsin had a reasonably good shell to go into - it averaged nine yards a pop on the ground against Florida State's rather good run defense. But it doesn't mean anything if every nine yard gain is punctuated by a fumble or the next nine yard gain alternates with a wobbly, underthrown pick. Big ten quarterbacks, Brian Hoyer and Dustin Sherer chief among them, throw wobbly, underthrown picks that cause ACC quarterbacks to cover their eyes and throw themselves on the ground, prostrate and wailing with agony (from here on out this condition will be known as 16 seconds left in the Fiesta Bowl).

What the hell is wrong with the Big Ten? Why can't it get away from mentalities that have been dead and gone schematically for nearly forty years? Is the bitch mentality as ubiquitous in the conference as I will allege in the next piece? The simple answer is the obvious one: I don't know. Whatever the Big Ten lacks, it is not one of these things: speed, athleticism, athletes, or whatever the latest media meme is. If you're a division one football program, you have athletes and speed to burn. Some teams just have a ridiculous amount of it, namely Florida. The widening gap between Big Ten teams and teams from the SEC, Big XII, whatever, cannot merely be accredited to recruiting stars and a lack thereof. Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State and Wisconsin are all NFL factories. Even bad coaches at some of those schools cannot stop, or even begin to slow down, the flow of stellar athletes from Big Ten schools into the league. Ohio State stands a good chance of getting three guys drafted in the first round. Talent is not the issue, at least with the conference's typical top four. In my intense, deep and prolonged study of the current state of the Big Ten, I have identified three different problems affecting the eleven teams that make up the poorly-monikered conference: The Bitch Mentality, Dead Weight, and Cratered Expectations that may or may not have been there in the first place.

In the first section, I will discuss the Bitch Mentality, a problem plaguing the conferences' States: Michigan, Penn and Ohio. Iowa, more often than not, also suffers from a bitch mentality. We shall see as much when Iowa quarterback and former Gambino crime family police informant Ricky Stanzi can no longer simply hand off to Shonn Greene and watch him personally defile a defense. UM also used to suffer from an intense case of the bitch mentality, and for the sake of convenience, will be discussed at length in this section.

The second section will deal with Dead Weight; coaches who found early success who now cling bitterly to it in the face of losing to Western Michigan and edging out Cal Poly. As you may have guessed, Wisconsin and Illinois fall into this category.

The third and final section will deal with Cratered Expectations; something that in truth affects every Big Ten team to some extent, as fanbases are not instantly out for blood following every loss like Ohio State and its SEC kindred. It is not necessarily a problem; some fanbases are simply more civilized than the ravenous, bloodthirsty Ohio State fanbase, and probably already have a good head coach getting the most he can out of the schools feeble program. Others don't care that much about "sports", preferring to unlock all the achievements in Fable II rather than find a good football coach who does not look like a walrus. Others still have hired an "OO-RAH GO TEAM I DO COCAINE" Red Bull goomba under promises of Rose Bowls and "Minnesota footbaw". Pitiably, the remaining team has never been good at football and is having its once-proud roundball program crushed under the pudgy thumbs of a text-happy basketball coach. As you have probably noticed Northwestern, Purdue, Minnesota, and Indiana are the primary culprits in the final category.

I don't read all that much, spending my sleepless nights studying calculus and praying to various heathen gods while sacrificing small animals that I'll pass the damn class, but when I do, it's usually something history or politics-related. Thus, I've had my fill of seeing (and usually not reading) books on the rack that read "GLARING, POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE WORD(S) IN ALLCAPS AND RED LETTERING (usually something along the lines of "liberals, degenerates, commies, bible-thumpers, terrists [sic], Talibandits, the Welsh, Ohio State fans"): What it/they is/are doing to America/the Environment/Manbearpig and what we/you/I/Cthulhu can do about it". This is not intended to be a blog version of those books. I cannot offer anything beyond general remedies for the ailments each program is suffering from, and believe me, each program has ailments in spades. This is a general overview, not a team-by-team diagnosis.

First part should be up by mid-week.

I wasn't aware Texas recruited from Outworld

That has to be some sort of recruiting violation. When Mack Brown pulled in the "26-year old" (immortal) Outworld Sorcerer and Necromancer Quan Chi in 2001 as a WR, NAMBLA recruiting services somehow missed it as quite possibly the steal of the decade. You see, Quan "Cosby" has no use for your "route-running" or your "zone defense", aspects of a merely mortal existence, instead utilizing his teleportation ability like so:

Anderson Russell's bicycle kicks do not faze the Quan

As you saw during last night's game, Quan teleported to the perfect spot, equidistant between Anderson Russell and Marcus Freeman, tossed a random giant fucking screaming green skull Anderson's way, and sped into the end zone before you can say "Mortal Kombat 4 fucking sucked and so did its sequels". That shit's not fair. That has to be like, a penalty or something. The refs were handing those out like candy yesterday, but up and disappeared right then. I guess the GFSGS got to them as well. I propose a new NCAA regulation: all athletes must be recruited from Earthrealm.

Also, there is no truth to the rumor that, in order for Quan to "sign" with the Longhorns (in blood, of course), Mack Brown traded Will Muschamp's soul, cursing his body to remain in Austin for eternity. I think.

(Ed note: I will not be typing out a serious response to the game anytime soon. Probably. For me, the grief is still too near.)

Fiesta!

Come all you rambling boys of pleasure
O-linemen of easy leisure
We must kick 'Horn ass and hope we'll see
Arizona once again

Some housekeeping: I may be moving into new digs in the near future. Whenever it happens, I'll drop the link here so all five of you can follow me.

It's Tejas

"Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second his heart rips in half."

While it is far from the best of all possible match-ups, Ohio State has drawn a relatively favorable one in Texas. In the Fiesta bowl, too, where we had so much success before the Game That Shall Not Be Named, though Buckeye partisans are sure to point out that that wasn't actually the Fiesta Bowl, just a national championship game played at the Fiesta Bowl site. Whatev. What matters is Ohio State is 3-1 in Tempe, and the last four trips there have showcased partisan Buckeye crowds. Given the results of the last two bowl games and the spiraling deathstorm that the gubmint calls an economy, bowl attendance for Ohio State is likely to take a hit. Yes, the Buckeyes are typically one of the best traveling fanbases, but so is Texas, and I'd be shocked in the crowd isn't basically split down the middle.

I like this match-up for a number of reasons. First, Texas has a terrific fanbase. I went to the game in '05 and by far they were the best of any visiting group of fans. Predictably, they were treated awfully by most of Buckeye nation, but the hilljacks Ohio State fans I sat near were very cordial to the visitors. The atmosphere was suitably tense for most of the game, but the vulgar language was directed toward the field (three audible "RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF"-s when Vince Young toted the ball), and not at the opposing fans, which was nice. The horror stories I've heard from that night are undoubtedly true, but it seems Texas fans in my section took it in stride if they were victimized in any way.

Second, Texas' defense leaves a lot to be desired. They're vastly improved from last year, given the acquisition of the Right Honourable Boom Motherfucker, Esq., head coach-in-waiting and card-carrying twisted psycho. Nonetheless, Texas has been a bend-but-don't-break defense for most of the year, getting aggressive when need be but giving up yards in bunches, mostly through the air.

Third, Texas has one thing it does really well on offense, and that is airing it out. RoboColt completes roughly 77 percent of his passes last I checked, but (probably) hasn't seen a secondary as good as Ohio State's all year. Secondly, Texas doesn't have many burners in the vein of Damien Williams from SC or Percy Harvin from Florida. They're there, but they're either young or not starting. I fully expect Texas to put as much speed on the field as it can against Ohio State, because while the Buckeyes don't lack speed (grr), they have had trouble stopping speedsters with their soft zone approach, which more often than not makes the Buckeyes look slow.

Fourth, there is one team Texas played all year that looks certifiably like Ohio State's offense, and it's Oklahoma State. Texas barely beat Okie State 28-24 in Austin. The same Okie State team traveled to Lubbock weeks later and found itself the victim of a 35-point beatdown at the hands of Texas Tech. Okie State is not particularly good. There is a problem: Okie State has a passing game. Texas could not stack the box against Okie State because Zac Robinson is a true dual threat with a playmaker like Dez Bryant to throw to, unlike the One at this point in his career. Ohio State absolutely must attack Texas' secondary, the weakest part of the defense, in order to win. If they cannot do this, Texas will stack the box, like Penn State and USC, and dare Ohio State to throw its way to a win. Terrelle Pryor has not shown he can do that yet. If there is any time for the Ohio State passing game's coming out party against a sub-par pass defense, it is now.

This is by far the most winnable BCS game in which Ohio State could have landed. Those of you who care about our program's "reputation" should enjoy this match-up as a chance for Ohio State to show it really can beat the Big Boys. By no means is Texas overrated, or is Ohio State underrated. These teams are where they deserve to be in the polls. The line is currently at 10 and will likely move up come game time. This game is on the coaching staff, because this team is undoubtedly talented enough to win this game, and every game it had on its schedule for that matter, but I digress. The coordinators have one last chance to impress. Regardless of how this game goes, I'd like to see them gone gone gone in the offseason. But a win against a genuinely good team earns them a little of our patience. I fully expect them, when given said patience, to flush the opportunities it presents down the toilet come September, but maybe that's just me.

In the coming weeks I'll be doing unit breakdowns and match-ups as bowl preview. I fully expect analysis of the facts to improve my outlook of the game, but I caution against any and all optimism on the grounds that I grew more optimistic while examining the stats prior to the LSU game last year, and then reality promptly took a nice giant nutty shit on my happy little world come January 7th.

Sittin' on top of the world, part 2

Part two of a three-part series of incoherent rants, jumbled musings and confused bullhockey about the last three seasons. Highlighted here is the Season of Unfulfilled Promise, 2007.

So the fluke may have been just that, a fluke. We'd never lose a game that ugly under Tressel again, for reasons I can no longer scrounge from what remains of my seventeen year old self. It simply couldn't happen again, could it? We're the elite of the elite, a top 5 program, and nothing can slow us down, right?

Well, for the first eight games, 2007 seemed to return to the storybook sensibility that 2006 often portrayed up until the brutal, final end. Bruised and battered from humiliating defeat, a young team was rising to the occasion to redeem itself and the program for one massive, recent failure that shamed them (unfairly) in the eyes of the nation. Led by yet another in a long line of big, bruising Buckeye running backs, an affable, fifth-year (!) junior at quarterback and a downright sick defense, the men of the Scarlet and Gray were carving out a warpath to New Orleans, and they were hellbent on bringing back the crystal to its rightful home. That yarn culminated in a 37-17 prison rape of Penn State in Happy Valley. Todd Boeckman put Troy Smith's performance in '05 to even greater shame, Thunderous McTankly could not be stopped by the best run defense the Buckeyes would play all year, and the passing game finally showed signs of being a genuine threat, something other teams actually have to worry about. The defense gave up some yards to Penn State, but they "always ran on us", so it was forgivable, ya know?

Two weeks later, [Name Redacted] and the fighting [Redacted]i came into Columbus with two losses: to middling Michigan and Iowa teams. In quite possibly the strangest choice of defense in his entire time at Ohio State (outside the Florida game, of course), Heacock chose to run almost exclusively soft zone against Juice Williams, one of the most mistake-prone quarterbacks this side of Chris Leak. Blitzing only on obvious passing downs (a meme that will be reinforced later on), Juice was asked to make simple reads and simply run to the side they're not blitzing on when said reads were covered. Thus, we have the easiest 4 TD passing day Juice Williams has probably ever had. Maddeningly, Jokester Jim number two chose to blitz on seemingly every down on Illinois's final possession, and, enragingly (that's a word now), all Juice had to do was run where there wasn't a LB blitz. That's it. Ohio State gave him the easiest first downs of his life, and he took them without question. But to blame this game on Jokester Jim number two and Jokester Jim number two alone is unfair, and ignorant of a number of other factors I don't feel like listing because for me the grief is still too near oh fuck it here they are: Todd Boeckman threw three picks, three defensive breakdowns and one terrible fumble call by a corrupt ref and simply a better game from the Illini gave Illinois the win. It's as simple as that. Despite their thuggish actions after the game, I hold no grudges to Illinois for exploiting the second-dumbest defensive scheme I've seen.

Sigh.

So you can tell that loss still sticks with me. Losing to Ron Tiberius* Zook at home is something that should scar anyone for life, even if you're a Northwestern fan (my condolences).

*Not really his middle name, but should be

You know the rest of the season. Ohio State rode Thunderous McTankly to a 14-3 win at Michigan, Pandora's box was opened in the intervening weeks: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, American Idol, and Ohio State finding its way back to the title game. Against an SEC team.

Hell, LSU looked beatable. Darren McFadden beat them By His Own Damn Self, and so did a meh Kentucky team. Surely we're better than Kentucky?

Turns out, not so much. After another fast start, the Buckeyes crumpled, and Tressel and Heacock went into their respect run-run-pass and soft-zone-obvious-blitz shells after LSU came back and left a big ol' mushroom print on Ohio State's hopes of actually winning. I don't know why they did it, I don't care to know why they did it, they did it, it sucked, life sucks, and we're never gonna fucking win a bowl game against these mulleted hicks and their fried food and their shitty T-birds and their shitty Kenny Chesney and fucking Christ next year better fucking redeem us.

I stopped thinking that way the next day. Well, at least the redemption part. I realized that as much as I love and support the players on this team, there is a chance that, like God Himself Bruce Springsteen once sang, their best will never be good enough. I knew it was a little early to declare this special group of players; Malcolm Jenkins, James Laurinaitis, Alex Boone, and the rest to be - for lack of a better term - cursed. To this day I still don't think they are, because since then I've realized the fault does not lie entirely with the players and the multiple first-day draft picks on both sides of the ball. The problem is increasingly coming from the top, and no matter how much talent is being brought in, this problem can not be covered by recruiting the daylights out of the "speed states" and grabbing three of the best offensive tackles in the latest recruiting class.

This is already too long, but as a footnote, you may have noticed a distinct lack of funny in this piece. This season was unbelievably frustrating because it showed what this team can be at its highest point (Penn State) and the very lowest (Illinois, LSU), and the timespan between those highs and lows was short and jarring. Thus, the humor, what little their was, didn't come easy.

I want to point out that I have never felt a sense of entitlement for this program. I have never believed that since I spend so much money on Ohio State merchandise and because my father donated something like 1/10th of his company's worth to the University, that the program, or the players, owe me a damn thing. Even when I was young and (less) stupid, this concept never entered my mind. I owe far more to this program for great memories of great football than it does for my meager contributions. When I call for the heads of certain coaches in the final installment of this series, it will not be because I "demand" it or I find the current (very good) state of Ohio State football "unacceptable". Think of them more as business recommendations, or how the program can improve its standing by trimming the fat, literally and figuratively. There is a particular path we don't want to go down, and that is the path of Michigan and Florida State - one of cronyism, nepotism, arrogance, misplaced trust and blind faith that because we are good we will always be good and nothing will ever change forever and ever amen lalalalalalalala I can't hear you we're the elite of the elite no matter what happens lalalalalala.

You get the point. I hope.

Buckeye (Bowl) Breakdown

Okay, since I was dumb enough to start this blog after Ohio State's football season has ended, I figured I should first discuss a topic most relevant to the team: the bowl picture. Things cleared up all nice and tidy-like with Oregon's successful Rape of the Oregon State Beavers (hurr hurr durr Beavers) and Pillage of greater Corvallis (is Corvallis big enough to justify a "greater"?). The 65-38 blowout knocked the Beavers out of their potential Rose Bowl grudge match against Penn SHTAAAAAAAATE, and vaulted both Ohio State and Boise State into the at-large picture.

Ohio State's most likely destination, should they land in the BCS, will be either the Fiesta Bowl or the Sugar Bowl. Since the BCS rotates the order of bowl picks year-by-year, each year a different BCS bowl picks first. This year's it the Fiesta. Assuming Oklahoma wins the Big 12 championship game, it'll land in the MNC to play the winner of the SEC championship game. Thusly, all the questions of whether or not anemic offenses in the SEC are the result of superb, NFL talent-laden defenses and whether or not the outright-redonkulous offenses of the Big 12 are the result of lackluster defenses will be answered forever and ever amen and annoying fans on both sides will shut the fuck up and stop bothering people who aren't even fans of teams in their conference some of whom don't know the first damn thing about football and most of whom couldn't give less of a shit and we'll never again have to have these stupid distance pissing contests that would make Scout and Rivals message board pedophiles douchebags proud. Right.

Anyway, the Fiesta picks first, remember? Chances are good that the Fiesta Bowl officials are going to remember how Ohio State fans made Tempe a Blood Orgy The University of Ohio State at Tempe in 2002, 2003, 2005, and 2006, and will snatch us right up to be led to the slaughter at the hands of Texas or Texas Tech (fuck you and your archaic championship system, Big 12). Bring your daught-ah, bring your daught-ah, and all that:

Failing that, the Sugar bowl will take Ohio State, pairing them off against the SEC runner-up. The thinking here will likely be "how can we improve the image of a conference whose probable champion lost at home to Count Giggity and LOL Miss"? The answer: pair them up with an Ohio State team that still sees something useful in the services of the Jokester Jims. Who, you ask? Jim Bollman and his nefarious Bucktache and Jim Heacock and his cute daughter undying, desperate, unbridled passion for deploying the soft zone against any team with any talent not named Penn SHTAAAAAAAAAATE. This Deadly Alliance was largely the undoing of Ohio State in the last two title games and oh yeah, That One Game Out West of which we do not speak (except to bitch and moan). I'm willing to wager that, in order to disrupt a once-unthinkable crisis of confidence in backwater SEC country, the Sugar Bowl will take an Ohio State team that probably isn't deserving of a BCS berth.

If the world ends and Boise State and Utah are both selected over the Buckeyes, hope will renew, as we would fall to either the Orange or Capital One Bowls, both winnable. The OB would pit the Buckeyes against the winner of the ACC championship; either Boston College or Va Tech. This is not likely, as Cincinnati, Big East champ is much more likely to fall into this spot because there isn't anywhere else they would fit in the BCS easily. The Capital One bowl might not sound sexy now that the Buckeyes look to be BCS bound, but, in this intrepid blogger's opinion, is the most likely to yield a win, because Georgia looked erm, beatable, against Georgia Tech this last week.

The Georgia Tech that beat Wofford.

By three points.

Wofford.

Three points.

TL;DR: We're headed to Tempe, Nawlins, possibly even Orlando for New Years. Wherever you go, bring the lube.