A Pox On Charlie Bauman

WOO

2009-02-24T19:29:00.002-05:00

For those of you who don't already know, I'm going to be running the new Ohio State blog over on SportsBlogsNation, meaning I'll be getting paid just as much as the guys at BHGP and BSD to churn out content that is half the quality of theirs on my best day and their absolute worst. Still, WOO. I'll drop a link here once it all gets sorted out, which should be in the next week or so.

Notice of potentially important things

2009-02-17T16:50:00.004-05:00

This blog is on temporary hiatus, as I've received an offer to blog elsewhere. For like, money or something. Heard of it? Me neither. Anyway, I'm awaiting a response from the offeree (who shall remain nameless unless you've read my ravings on WLA) to my own response of "Hell yes I'd like to get paid to rub out a story or two a day". If it falls through, I'll keep posting here (and finish this recruiting talk once and for all), but if not, I'll drop a link here to the new digs.

Stalking Reviewing the Ohio State recruiting class of 2009: Runningbacks, receivers, tight end

2009-02-08T22:02:00.006-05:00

Duron "the Deathless" Carter: all he may or may not do is catch touchdowns

The most surprising part of this particular recruiting class, for me and for others perturbed by the struggles of the offense, is the amount of skill position players signing up to play for an offense that has totaled 75 points in its last five games of national consequence. Were I a high school recruit (who isn't necessarily a lifelong Ohio State fan), I would see absolutely nothing inviting about the Ohio State offense if I were not a bruising power back like Chris Wells (or, more appropriately for this class, the wonderfully-monikered Carlos Hyde). But clearly I am not, nor was I ever a sought-after high school recruit, because no one recruits 5'9" tight ends. James Jackson, Duron Carter, Jaamal Berry, and a host of other guys who probably should have picked an offensive juggernaut that better suits their talents, chose the Buckeyes, probably hoping for something a little more impressive than, say three points in yet another game of the century. Alright, awesome. I'll be amped when we show we can actually get them the ball in anything other than a five-yard out or an off-tackle left.

Running back gets a major boost in this class, arguably the biggest out of any offensive position. Daniel ~~Faraday~~ Herron has next year's starting job essentially locked up; his 2nd-half performance against Texas was nothing short of remarkable given the strength of Texas' run D and sudden way in which it happened. Behind "Boom", however, it's Brandon Saine and the freshmen. If those freshmen were not phenomenally talented, I'd say this might represent a problem area for the Buckeyes.

However, Jaamal Berry, Carlos Hyde, and Jordan Hall all bring different skill sets into a backfield that's already the envy of quite a few teams. Given how Jim Tressel has managed his talent lately - rotationally - I would not find it particularly surprising to see a steady rotation behind Herron, with Saine getting most of the early looks to see if he has progressed at all. If he has, he'll probably earn a spot as the spell back. If he has not, then I expect to see a lot more Carlos Hyde than Jaamal Berry in his stead. Hyde is another Florida product who looks and runs like Beanie Wells, at 240 pounds with (reported) 4.5 speed. He is the prototypical feature back of the Ohio State offense, and it's all but certain he'll make an instant impact in short yardage situation, not unlike McTankly himself in his freshman year.

The predicted lack of playing time is not a knock on Jaamal Berry; he's exorbitantly talented, but he isn't a Jim Tressel running back. Jim Tressel running backs have to be able to consistently execute the disgustingly cro-mag dive, draw, and occasional tricksy off-tackle grunt work, or they won't see the field much at all. Berry, like Maurice Wells, is simply not that type of back. He'll get some reps in the latter stages of blowouts his first year, but unless he bulks up considerably and shows an ability to break an awful lot of tackles - something he'll probably have to do a lot behind another mediocre Jim Bollman offensive line - he'll probably be relegated to a Maurice Wells-like role for his entire career. This is largely due to an archaic offensive philosophy that does not recognize the values and completely different skill set offered by supposed "scatbacks" like Wells and Berry. Jordan Hall, depending on the development of the other RBs, is a probable redshirt, unless of course he burns it on worthless late-game reps like Keith Wells did last year. I for one hope he only burns the redshirt in case of another catastrophic injury at the tailback position.

The 2009 class also boasted three talented wideouts, icing on the cake of an already deep set of WRs. I hesitate to believe any of these guys will make an early impact, partly because Ohio State is already deep at wide receivers, but mostly because Ohio State still lacks a truly consistent passing game. Outside of Troy Smith's senior year, this has consistently been the case, even with three first-round wideouts lining up in the Scarlet and Gray in 2005. Anyway, I digress. Duron Carter seems to be the focus of the hype for two reasons: he's rather large (anywhere from 6-3 to 6-5 according to various scouting sites), and he's the son of former Buckeye great Cris Carter, who only caught touchdowns in four years (technically three *tugging at collar Dave Letterman-style*) at Ohio State. The main knock on Carter is his perceived lack of ESS EEE SEEEE speed (despite an Auburn offer), something the Ohio State receiving corps certainly does not lack with Lamaar Thomas , Ray Small, Taurian Washington, and a host of other young burners waiting in the wings. Carter, along with Jake Stoneburner, brings size to a receiving corps that has everything but that particular attribute going for them. While I don't expect an immediate impact from him, it will be exciting to watch him progress.

James Jackson is the burner of the group; both he and Jaamal Berry boasted 4.3 (reported, I cannot stress that enough) 40 times, and he sported offers from Michigan, Bama, Iowa and a host of other smaller schools. The Ohio State receiving corps, contrary to popular opinion, is quick, speedy, athletic, however you want to put it. Jackson adds to this. Whatever the criticism on the field is next year, chances are good none of the Scout and Rivals retards will be complaining about "not enough speed on the field", whatever the fuck that means, if Jackson, Thomas et al. see significant playing time in the wake of Robiskie and Hartline's departures.

Chris Fields is the lesser known prospect of the three; but the general theme of his recruitment was his "big-play ability", which I assume means his ability to catch the ball well downfield. How important this ability is will be seen, because it is entirely dependent on Ohio State developing that downfield passing game we've been hearing about so much. Good chance of a redshirt.

And not that I expect him to ever do anything other than block, but Ohio State did pick up a tight end, the could-you-be-any-more-whitely-named Reid Fragel, who'll get to the whole football thing after he wraps up the LAX tournament and downs a few Natties with his boys, brah. Okay, I have no idea if Reid is a bromosexual, but his name practically demands it, doesn';t it? Scout lauds his blocking ability among other things, which will, of course, be key in a Jim Tressel offense. Reid follows in a long line of big, awkward white dudes playing the TE position at OSU, and is probably going to be Ballard's successor as another glorified tackle. Interesting note: they actually say he has "deceptive speed" on his Scout profile, which is easily the most common keyword for "boy, this guy is white". And he is. Oh yes, he is. I don't expect him to redshirt, but it all really depends on what the Ohio State coaching staff wants out of Jake Stoneburner. Stoneburner was quoted as saying he expects to play wide receiver during his recruitment, but rumbling out of preseason camp last year had him playing TE and redshirting to gain muscle mass and possibly, gosh, add a nice weapon at the TE position that Ohio State might actually use (!). If Stoneburner and Ballard are your starting TEs, the chances Fragel takes a redshirt go up exponentially, but knowing Jim Tressel's love of three TE-sets, I'm sure Andrew Miller and Fragel will rotate as the third guy for most of next season.

Next up: the linebackers, the secondary, and the curious case of Kenny Guiton.

Stalking Reviewing the Ohio State recruiting class of 2009: the lines

2009-02-04T22:30:00.012-05:00

Melvin Fellows has interspecies friends, why don't you?

So the recruiting season is in the books and Ohio State has either the 3rd or 1st best recruiting class in the country according to Rivals and Scout respectively. Recruiting has been said to be hit-or-miss and in a way it has been under Jim Tressel; he struck gold with previous 3-stars Malcolm Jenkins and James Laurinaitis, but he struck out (largely through no fault of his own) with Jamario O' Neal, Alex Boone, and others who fell prey to laziness, greed, wacky tobacky or some fun-filled combination of the three. I've always been iffy about blaming coaches for recruiting failures, and there are many good reasons why, most of them stereotypical: kids are young, dumb, arrogant, so on and so forth. If there is any group of human beings that lends itself well to stereotyping, it's teenagers of both genders and all colors. We just suck at disproving stereotypes, don't ask me for a deeper reasoning behind it.

Anyway, the way in which Ohio State has littered recent drafts with prospects has clearly had an effect on its recruiting lately, and also should continue to limit claims of the Buckeyes having "no athletes" or whatever Mark May is bloviating about these days. As a Rob Oller column recently pointed out, the class is heavy on linebackers, defensive backs, and skill position guys, but relatively thin on both lines; the defensive line will benefit from the addition of Simon and Fellows almost immediately, but the offensive line nabbed only Mewhort, Hall and Linsley. Linsley is seen as a tweener who can play and contribute on both lines, so technically it's a tie if you only count him as half-one, half-the other.

It's no secret, however, that many of Ohio State's problems the last few years or so are related in some way to the play of both lines. An influx of young talent on the offensive line is going to make or break Jim Bollman's career; that much is certain. While he's probably headed for retirement anyway, Ohio State got top line prospects from Ohio, Texas and Florida that will all now be sophomores, and who all stand a good chance of starting if they play their cards right. If they, like Steve Rehring and Alex Boone, do not pan out, it has to be hung at least in part on Jim Bollman's antiquated coaching and blocking schemes. I personally had hoped the guy would be let go at the end of last season but it did not end up being so. Jim Tressel is awfully forgiving having just watched easily the worst Ohio State offensive line in the last twenty years, outside (maybe) of the leaner years under Cooper. It's quite rare for freshman to start at Ohio State on the offensive line without massive attrition this team probably couldn't handle, so I wouldn't look for Mewhort, Linsley or Hall to see the field much aside from mop-up duty. However, if the line is as subpar as I think it will be, it's very possible they could work themselves into one of those useless rotations Tressel likes doing.

On the other side of the ball, Jim Heacock, former defensive line coach, achieved marginally better results with his specialty, but again, Ohio State could not find a consistent defensive tackle out of a rotation of Cameron Heyward (who took on more of a starting role near the end of the season) Nader Abdallah, Todd Denlinger, Dex "the Lawman" Larimore, and Dough Worthington, an end playing wildly out of position on passing downs who actually holds up rather well. Technically, it's possible Johnny Simon could be phenomenally talented, and that he could come in and provide some consistency on the interior, but I would not count on it. He may even redshirt; the line is deep, just not particularly good. Simon could also probably use a year to get up to linemen size; he only checks in at a depressingly light 273 pounds according to his Rivals profile, making Doug Worthington look like a lardass in comparison. Here I would expect continued rotation, but these guys are eventually gonna get better right? Two years running we've rotated the tackles heavily and they've improved slightly, but not enough to stop determined running games - that are good, you do not count, Michigan State- nor can they rush the passer with consistency. I tend to think Ohio State's defensive ends are very, very good - Thaddeus Gibson, for instance, showed flashes of being the next Gun Show against Penn State - but they are limited by having average defensive tackles working alongside them. Lawrence Wilson has been plagued with injury, but if he can stay healthy, he and Gibson will be a very dangerous set of bookends. It's hard seeing Melvin Fellows crack the starting line-up, which is no knock on him; Ohio State has defensive ends out the ass. Safari Planet joins Keith Wells, Nathan Williams (who may miss games for robbing a Kwik-E Mart or something), Thad Gibson, Solomon Thomas, and Willie Mobley, and Rob Rose too, who also works as a tackle-end tweener.

As it stands, this recruiting class will probably not have a huge impact on the lines immediately. The Buckeyes are already quite deep on the lines; however, if both lines continue to underperform, I could easily see Simon or Hall replacing a benched senior or two. I do not believe Ohio State suffers from a lack of talent as Oller hints above, mostly because it doesn't jive with the recruiting stars on various sites. I honestly think it has more to do with development, and most of that falls on coaching. Unfortunately, we will not be getting the changes on the staff we had hoped for until at least next season (sigh), so the prognosis for these young players is not good. For now. I'm still holding out hope that Bollman and Heacock will get axed next season regardless of record and we hire, I don't know, Oklahoma's offensive line coach to replace Bollman or something. I know it won't happen, but a guy can dream, can't he?

What's Wrong with the Big Ten: Cratered Expectations

2009-02-02T18:28:00.008-05:00

(ed. note: something resembling real life has caused me to put this off for an extended period of time - this blog will be updated more consistently when it isn't the offseason, obviously)

...and moonlights as head coach of the Minnesota Golden Gophers football team

The third and final category of afflictions currently facing the eleven ~~illustrious~~ ~~proud~~ existing Big Ten programs is one that is difficult to alleviate and for which blame, if there is any, cannot be easily laid at any one individual's feet. Northwestern, Indiana, Minnesota, and Purdue - one prestigious world-class institution and three kinda-good state schools not unlike Ohio State- haven't been football factories since at least the '60s and will have difficult times becoming one in the near future. This I understand. Indiana is a basketball school, and thus, realistically, the football team will never take up much more than 20-30% of the average Indiana fan's attention, provided their roundball program stays good. Purdue is similar, and Minnesota may be heading that direction as well. Northwestern, on the other hand, has a knack for fielding annoying, scrappy teams in both revenue sports that will upset your sorry ass if you aren't paying attention. The problem with the programs I'm outlining is a general malaise within the programs; the fanbases are settling for less and getting it more often than not, but as we'll see, these programs are showing signs of being on the up-and-up already.

Minnesota is particular is interesting. I considered leaving them off this category after seeing them schedule a game against USC. Now, Minnesota is going to get drawn and quartered and then have their arms and legs individually drawn and quartered individually by USC in both games, but it showed me that the football program is looking to get exposure, and actually, shocker of shockers, get better with the ensuing recruiting buzz. Tim Brewster is probably not the greatest gameday coach. His teams exhibit extraordinary amounts of boneheadedness on both sides of the ball and, for all his excitement (and consumption of otherworldly amounts of cocaine and cocaine-related products), his antics have not produced the enthusiasm he probably wants from the fanbase (hence the lack of expectations). However, he's recruiting relatively well: Minnesota had the 59th ranked class in 2007, but shot up to 28th in 2008 according to Scout.com. 2009 is iffy at 45th, but if his teams start producing on the field, I have the slightest bit of confidence he can turn it around and field relatively competitive teams at some point in the near future. Right now, I can't advocate for his firing because his body of work is so relatively limited, and Glen Mason had gutted the program talent-wise at the end of his tenure. I recommend a new defensive coordinator, but they have one after Ted Roof bolted for Auburn.

Indiana is one of the schools I simply cannot fault for not fielding a competitive football team. It is the definition of a basketball school. Provided Tom Crean gets them back on track, this should not change unless the football team enters an era of sudden, shocking dominance. So what can they do to at least make bowl games consistently and give the Big Ten the impression of depth at even the basement level? It's safe to say Indiana talent is not anything anyone will be building a program on any time soon. They've already "gone spread", but they've basically been that way since the days of Antwaan Randle El. If Indiana really wants football to blow up for whatever reason, it has to get a more exciting head coach. Prior to writing this piece, I had to sit and think hard for nearly 45 seconds before I could name Terry Hoeppner's successor Bill Lynch. There is simply nothing remarkable about him. It's an odd criticism to have, but when you're Indiana, the guy selling "no bowl wins since the Gulf War in something called the Copper Bowl" is awfully important. The Googles tell me he's a nice guy. One particularly dark, lifeless, scary armpit of the internet emphatically believes he may be, but he's also a jackass who can't coach. Yeah, you read that guy right: he expects Indiana to win Big Ten championships. In like, football. While I don't think anyone outside of that guy sets their expectations above 8-4 and the Insight Bowl or some other bowl in a horrid southern backwater, I do think they'd like to see their team stay competitive on occasion with Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State et al. To me, the best way to build a struggling program is around a younger coach who can relate to his players. Bill Lynch, that is not.

Purdue next year will be the second Big Ten team this decade to go the "hand-picked successor" route. Danny Hope, cloned from one of Joe Tiller's tusks served as offensive line coach this past season after being brought up from Eastern Kentucky. Hope had a winning season all five years at Eastern Kentucky, setting up a good precedent for the program. Not a good sign, however: his first recruiting class: 64th, worse than such college football luminaries as Washington State, Duke and Baylor. This, of course, cannot all be laid at his feet and his first few years should see him being granted leniency over Tiller's turrible recruiting of late. I think it's safe to say that Purdue's offensive system has at the very least gone stale; if Hope wants to give defenses fits with a spread attack, he needs to recruit mobile quarterbacks and lightning dwarf skill position players, and he needs to go after the state of Florida like a pack of dogs on a one-legged cat. Literally every quick shifty little bastard not picked up by an SEC team, Ohio State, Michigan or USC, needs to be getting his ear talked off by Danny Hope.

Northwestern is a team and a program that really only needs a defensive identity. The offense has routinely been one of the hardest to stop in the Big Ten; even Ohio State and Michigan have had their troubles with the Purple Patricians, and this year's Alamo bowl appearance and promising shifty little bastard Mike Kafka probably starting next year, it's safe to say that this is a program mostly on the up-and-up, four straight dick-kickings by Ohio State aside. It's also safe to say that they probably will never be among the elite, lacking the prestige, the tradition, and the academic flexibility of most other big name programs. Nonetheless, Northwestern was a thorn in the side of Missouri and has a good chance of being more than that if it can just find some defense.

In sum, the Big Ten is not in good shape; this we all know. But amongst the true dregs of the conference - Minnesota, Northwestern, and even Purdue, there are small modica of hope, even if it's entirely in the future. At the top, the Big Ten needs tweaking. In the middle, it seems to be needing overhaul. At the bottom, it may be improving more than anyone realizes if the new coaching hires actually pan out the way the schools want them to do. This is, of course, conjecture; the Big Ten's future may exceed my wildest dreams and it may slip into (remain in?) the dregs of the BCS system with the Big Easts and ACCs of the college football world. But it doesn't have to be that way. Each of these programs can improve in some way. If you're a conference strength goomba, this is how the Big Ten gets better.

What's Wrong With the Big Ten: Dead Weight

2009-01-17T22:37:00.008-05:00

Single-handedly destroying once-proud programs, one loss to a MAC team at a time

To some, this section may seem a little harsh. After all, the gentlemen pictured above are in the early stages of their coaching careers at their respective schools, one took his team to a Rose Bowl, and the other took his team to 12-win season in 2006. Both of them seem like relatively nice guys, in the same way everyone seems like a "nice person" when you hardly know them beyond a shared conversation or two. In all honesty, one is arguably a cokefiend and the other is arguably a meathead, possibly a hellspawn. I have no problem criticizing either of these two.

We begin first with Ron Zook of Illinois, more popularly known as [NAME REDACTED] to Blogfrica. His first season can be forgiven; he took over a team with really no talent to speak of left over from the Ron Turner era, and lead them to a 2-9 season. His second season is when Illinois boosters and the athletic department should have gotten a little wary of exactly what was going on in the wonderful little world that must exist in Ron Zook's head. He named Juice Williams his starter shortly into the season. This starter completed 39.6% of his passes on the season, looking like a freshman in every single game but being bailed out by yet another hapless Michigan State team under John L. Smith. There did not appear to be much hope for the future as the coach clung desperately to the promising-but-still-very-raw scrambler with a howitzer arm. Illinois actually improved on its loss total under the new scheduling rules, losing 10 games out of 12 and signaling what was thought to be an early doom for the Ron Zook era. To be honest, calls for his job at this point would have been very Ohio State - ridiculous and way too damn early. Yeah, it sucks, but you can muddle through. I tend to subscribe to the "three years and you're out" school of thought; if a coach takes over a failing program and doesn't lead them to at least a .500 season by his third year - and this "time limit", if you will, is negotiable, depending on circumstances such as the overall talent level when he arrives, expectations, etc. - he should probably be let go.

It can be said Zook responded quite well; the next season the Illini won 9 games, including a surprising win over top-ranked Ohio State. Well, I say this with tongue in cheek, because if you followed that team over the season, you knew it didn't look like a number one team and was only there because literally every team ahead of them at the start of the season had lost at one point or another. Ohio State was not that good, but it was still a respectable, potentially-program-building win for Zook, who rode his star quarterback all season long. Illinois went to a Rose Bowl and found itself in well over its head, but considering Williams was only a sophomore, things were looking bright.

It was not until his fourth year that the Zooker aura fully set in. Given the loss of some senior leadership on D (and undoubtedly the greatest patriot this country has ever known), a step down was expected, partially offset by the gains the offense - especially the passing game - was expected to make. Really, Illinois delivered on offensive expectations in terms of an improved passing game, but the running game was surprisingly lackluster; surprising because the talent was there, and so, arguably, was the offensive line. The passing game did improve drastically, but key elements of what made the Illini competitive in the Big Ten again - the rushing game and the defense - were simply gone. Illinois lost a defensive tackle, two linebackers, and both safeties, and utterly fell apart. That's a little more than half the defense returning; it should have taken a step back, but it should not have collapsed as it did in 2008. Were I an Illini fan, I would be extremely wary of this guy in 2008; if the team does not improve drastically with the influx of young talent, it has to be time to let Zook go. Florida fans would probably be the first tell you that this was not a good hire; the man has turned in one good season off the backs of unbelievable amounts of talent given Illinois' recent history. A younger, more - uh - rational coach - and some defense, jeez - would be a Godsend to the Big Ten and Illinois.

Wisconsin. Hoo boy. I have to say that I liked Barry Alvarez. A lot. Something about him made him more likable than your average coach. No idea why. When he left for Wisconsin's AD job, I was fully confident the guy would only approve a genius of a successor, one who wouldn't change what Barry left behind but also build on it. When he chose Bret Bielema, I figured the Bielema would do a heckuva job (Brownie) so and so forth and what not. I really didn't think much of it until he went 12-1 in his first season - on, admittedly, a schedule featuring various schools for the Blind and Infirm plus Michigan as the only vaguely good team - and Bielema looked like the Wisconsin Cheese Warrior God-King. I'll admit, this was my Scout/Rivals period, and I bought into the hype.

Then 2007 happened, and then 2008 happened. In both years, Wisconsin was expected to at least compete for the Big Ten title, and possibly find itself in a nice little BCS spot - probably the Rose Bowl - if it does just that. 2008 was a down year for Michigan, and 2007 was down for both Michigan and Penn State. This should not have been hard. In 2007, after a 5-0 start, Bielema met with his brother-in-failures Ron Zook, and lost. Wisconsin then lost four of the next eight, including a 31-point curbstomping at the hands of Penn State. Anthony Morelli was the starting QB for Penn State. ANTHONY "2-INTS A GAME" MORELLI. This is not that hard, Bielema.

I, and perhaps many Wisconsin fans, forgave Bielema for 2007. He's not perfect; while the conference may be down, this is a "young team" and all that. But 2008 was just bad. You goons lost to Michigan. Ten dickless paraplegics with an emu playing quarterback could have beaten Michigan this year. Actually, they did: Notre Dame beat Michigan 35-17; though to be blunt, Michigan would probably have won that game had the return team not been dipping their hands in butter and bacon grease on the sidelines. The heartbreaker to Ohio State is forgivable - by the end of the season it was obvious Ohio State was better than its 35-3 shitkicking at the hands of USC, and that it could, in fact, hang with 'elite programs'. A 20-17 loss to that team is entirely forgivable.

But, 48-7 to Penn State? At home, night game? That's fail with a capital "FUCKING HELL YOU INGRATE". Purdue held Penn State to 20 points, Ohio State held them to 13. Wisconsin's talent on defense is not that far removed from either of those two schools. Penn State, as I said before, during, and after the season, was not that good. Upon being smacked in the mouth, as pointed out in the post prior to this one, Penn State Big Tens itself into an oblivion of off tackle runs for three yards and wobbly underthrown desperation bombs. Wisconsin supplied all the butt Penn State wanted it to in that game, and it didn't have to be that way. This is Bielema at his worst; losing games Wisconsin, on talent alone, has every reason to be quite competitive in, and possibly win. Barry Alvarez would have won that game, I say this with no proof whatsoever but goddamn it, it violates laws of nature to lose that big at home if you aren't Just Northwestern, or Indiana. That's a loss the dregs of the conference look at and say, "damn, they just got their shit pushed up". Is it all Bielema's fault? It's never "all" anyone's fault (except when talking about Jim Bollman and the Ohio State "offense"); there are a number of factors including Wisconsin's terrible luck of the draw at quarterback, namely: they all suck some serious dong. Allan Evridge was unspeakably awful against almost everyone, and Dustin Sherer, while respectable until has late collapse in the Champs Sports Bowl, didn't really add anything to the offense.

I am not arguing that the aforementioned goons be fired because they aren't winning enough. If I were Barry Alvarez and whatever old white dude Illinois calls its AD, they'd be out the door based on a lack of results and the fact that they are not bringing anything new to the program, anything for recruits or the fanbases to get excited about. I call them dead weight because that's what they are; you don't have to get rid of dead weight. You can let it slow you down, and eventually drag you down. But you don't have to do anything about it if it violates your principles as an academic institution or whatever lamebrained excuse apologists trot out when it comes torch-and-pitchfork time.

The third and final section of this prolonged, needless rant deals with the cratered expectations of various teams - and of course, their fanbases - around the conferece.

What's Wrong With The Big Ten: The Bitch Mentality

2009-01-14T22:28:00.010-05:00

You won't be needing these kidneys anymore.

The Bitch Mentality, you ask? If you ~~aren't a college football blogosphere illiterate~~ you read EDSBS, you should have a general idea of what I'm talking about. I'm not freely ripping from the inimitable Orson, I have my reasons. The Bitch Mentality, the state of bitchness personified by Tommy Bowden's tenure at Clemson, sorely affects the Big Ten's upper tier . In my estimate, the bitch mentality refers to Bowden's ~~inability to utilize his talent~~ being a genuine bitch and crawling into a hole when the going got tough.

This may seem a little generic at first; most coaches will tell you that being down fourteen or more is not the time to panic, it's the time to make sure your "execution" is perfect on both sides of the ball, that you're "winning your battles", so on and so forth. You'd get coach-speak, something Big Ten coaches seem to have down to a science. Across the board, Paterno, Tressel, Ferentz, and Dantonio all suffer from a similar problem. They're guys who project a quiet, contemplative, conservative persona in public and, for the most part, on the sidelines, while likely being fiery, angry leaders within the walls of the locker room. This is all well and good, for the most part, but I can't help but get the image that their players are not buying into the fiery exterior exhibited by the ol' softies once the camera is off. They think it's an act, to be blunt. This may seem like pure conjecture, but when these teams play games against teams with a pulse OOC, I think it shines through.

It is often observed that a team's demeanor reflects that of their head coach. The aforementioned coaches pride themselves on running "business trips" during big away games and bowl games. They wind their teams tight, telling them not to make any mistakes on and off the field. More often than not, it spills onto the field with negative effects - personal fouls, turnovers, etc. The apogee of Tressel's "business trip" mentality came one year after he ran a relatively loose ship in the desert in '06. After that debacle, the adjustment was understandable. He fired them up with a highlight tape of Mark May doing what Mark May does, and they came out tightly wound and angry, so angry they committed multiple game and drive-killing penalties, including personal fouls. This must be frustrating for Tressel, I'm sure, because it didn't seem like there was a right way to run things. Texas, USC, and LSU were all loose and carefree prior to their big games and bowl games against OSU, the Buckeyes and the Gators were the tightly wound ones. Urban Meyer channeled that anger into a largely penalty-free ferocious effort in which Buckeye dreams of glory died and hope ultimately failed. Jim Tressel could not. This makes him no less of a coach; 115 other teams probably would have lost to that LSU team, especially at the level of health it had reached prior to the bowl game.

Jim Tressel's struggles in the postseason were largely laid at his feet and his feet alone; while the Big Ten struggled overall in postseason play, Wisconsin, Penn State, and Michigan all could point to victories over reasonably good SEC teams. As usual, the truth lay somewhere in the middle of "It's all Ohio State's fault" and "the Big 10 is irredeemably bad and will be so forever and ever anon". The reality was, the Big Ten's stubborn defiance of this newfangled "21st century" and its commie faggot football was killing it from within.

Ohio State under John Cooper, for all its failures, rolled up into joints like gangbusters more often than not (and probably rolled plain old joints with gleeful aplomb, too). While conservative at heart, John Cooper fielded arguably some of the best offenses in the history of Ohio State football, with talent unheard of in the Bruce years: George, Boston, Glenn, Hoying, Pace. Cooper was a recruitin' demon, recruitin' demons who ran an offense that was genuinely difficult to stop more often than not during the mid-to-late 90's. With the hiring of Jim Tressel, Ohio State knew what it was getting; in the Big Ten, Tressel's formula for success sounded like a winner: ball control, little-to-no-mistakes, play defense, and punt. With the possible exception of 2006, this is Jim Tressel football. If the defense can hold the opponent under 17 points - not a particularly tall task given the state of offenses in the Big Ten - "Tresselball" usually gets the job done. The problem is that against solid opponents, this has proven to be stupid, stupid gameplanning. I say this with no coaching experience whatsoever, but the results speak for themselves. As much as it may make me seem like the average Scout board denizen, the offense needs to put points on the board, many of them, in any way possible. Offenses powered by Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow, even Chris "Spotless Jersey" Leak are difficult to hold under 24 points with any consistency. Playing it tight - running the ball twice before a desperate, hopeless lob to a streaking WR, lining the corners up 10 yards off the LOS - simply doesn't work against teams who have been preparing for you for a month.

Iowa, not exactly a talent haven, has its issues with the Bitch Mentality. This past year, it had good reason; it had Shonn Greene, a force of nature, in the backfield. It had no need of a "passing game". But as we saw in 2007 and 2006, when Greene was either benched, ineligible, or wandering the Tibetan wilderness, searching for the meaning of life and the secret to pwning any and every foe you'll ever face, Drew Tate and Jake Christiansen lobbing up desperation bombs to Iowa's shockingly fast white dude (they always have one, ONE I TELL YOU) does not work with any consistency either. In case you were sleeping through the early part of this decade, Iowa has always been tagged as an up-and-coming team, and more often than not, when it plays good competition, it plays relatively well, but is ultimately done in by the inadequacies of its offense. Its defense is traditionally stellar; and it should be with guys named Humpal, Klinkenborg, and Angerer routinely suiting up in the admittedly badass black and gold. But outside of its miracle, come-from-behind, pulled-straight-out-of-the-ass victory against LSU in the Capital One bowl a few years back, the Hawkeyes have precisely one "elite" win in the last six years: a 33-7 dick-kicking of Ohio State in 2004. The Bitch Mentality is strong with this one, but when it works, it's shaming Ohio State in one specific category: the Hawks have three wins over SEC teams in bowl games in the 2000's alone. That being said, Iowa on its present course is due for bowl game shitkickings, many of them, if it can get over the hump, beat Ohio State, Penn State, and make the BCS using its offensive system. I don't think it will, and thus will have to settle for beating meh SEC squads (again, nothing I can criticize as an Ohio State fan) for the time being.

Penn State actually deserves a lot of credit for breaking away, for the most part, from tired old Woody-and-Bo-and-probably-Joe-too mentalities. In debuting its magooly (second definition)-named "Spread HD" offense, the Nittanies actually seemed to be attempting to bring the Big Ten, kicking and screaming of course, into the 21st century well before RichRod got the chance to. Instead, in pressure-packed situations, the call from the zombie booth seemed to override the need for a diverse, creative offense, and Penn State folded up and reverted to the good, Christian 3-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust mentality. See the Ohio State game for future reference. If Penn State placed a premium on moving the ball through the air, and if Darryl Clark was a little more accurate, the Nittanies could have had the same success through the air that Colt McCoy and Texas had with arguably less talented receivers than PSU. Nonetheless, the game ended 13-6 and offensive football in the Big Ten was set back another forty years. Another game like that and Paterno will be debuting the dazzling new "Swinging Gate" formation come September. It was ugly. In what could have been a showcase for Big Ten talent and innovation on Saturday Night on ABC, in front of Musberger and Herbie, both teams laid an offensive egg and it ended 13-6. The final touchdown was, in true Woody-and-Bo fashion, a QB sneak. It was also by a back-up who most assumed would eventually transfer, making the game even less compelling than it had been. Against USC, Penn State maintained a rather efficient blend of Paternoball and the Spread HD, but again, in clutch moments, seemed to revert to bitch status, doing the Big Ten proud in that regard. Penn State needs badly to pick and offensive gameplan - ideally the one that has the most success, the Spread SOMETHIN' OR OTHER I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DIRTY SPANIARD S, and stick with it, through good and bad times. In the second half against USC, I'm not entirely convinced Penn State's relative success was entirely due to USC letting up on the pedal, given that USC almost never lets up on the pedal once it's up by 20 or more.

Michigan dealt a potentially fatal blow to the perception of the Big Ten as a collection of old hat programs bitterly clinging to 60's mentalities by hiring the spread-option guru Rich Rodriguez. While 3-9 is not how he or anyone else (outside of Michigan's rivals) wanted the first season to go, an unmistakable seed for success was planted. In my mind and the minds of these furries, at least. It will not be easy taking Michigan to the heights I still feel it is capable of achieving after the 2007 nadir of the Lloyd Carr era. If Woody Hayes was the God of the Big Ten's backward ways, Bo was the Holy Ghost and Lloyd was the Son. Great guy, with an excellent taste in literature and whatnot, and for the most part a good coach, but not someone who was moving the program forward. Sounds horribly cynical, I'm sure, but it's true. You saw Michigan's offensive line, it's utter lack of safeties, it's terribly thin situation at quarterback, and its utter inability to make up for the talent deficit on the field - due to transfers, early departures and a truly shocking amount of guys who simply quit football. Lloyd Carr was an old man, tired, and beaten down from years of providing consistent excellency on the field. Unlike his relatively young counterparts at Ohio State and Iowa, he had reasons for his staunch football conservatism. Michigan has done all it can to allay its bitch mentality. Now we must merely wait and see.

Next, I discuss the conference's dead weight; coaches who probably aren't taking their teams anywhere of importance.

What's wrong with the Big Ten, a preface

2009-01-10T23:12:00.010-05:00

Even the most ardent of Big Ten homers are now (probably) willing to admit the conference is now on a significant downward trend. There are no more denials here; Ohio State is no longer the only one publicly shaming the conference, though we certainly did our damnedest in the last two title games. The Big Ten can no longer lord victories over SEC teams Tennessee, Arkansas, and yes, even Florida so easily over anyone, really. Not only are those games officially old hat according to the media and Scout and Rivals types - having occurred prior to the 2008 season, after all - they were close affairs that were ultimately decided by turnovers one way or the other. There was no dominance to be had, and even these victories came over teams that were 2nd or 3rd best in their conference, in relative down years for two of the programs, Tennessee and Florida. Regardless of how you approach past "big game" postseason victories, the Big Ten did not fare well - at all - in the 2008 postseason. For seemingly the third straight year, conference tin cans like Northwestern and Michigan State hung tough against teams that supposedly outmatched them athletically and schematically, only to lose late in their typical fashion. In 2007, Michigan State was in the game four quarters longer than it should have been against Boston College, and relatively evenly-matched Wisconsin and Tennessee teams traded blows until a late Volunteer pick sealed the game. In 2006, Wisconsin and Penn State pulled out squeakers against Arkansas and Tennessee respectively, before Ohio State shat the bed early and often against Florida.

Now it has come to this; a 1-6 mark in postseason play, highlighted by an Iowa rout of a truly feckless South Carolina team, and lowlighted by another Rose Bowl blowout and Ohio State getting its heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly by the Longhorns of Texas. It was tough to watch: Wisconsin played Florida State close until an apocalyptic flurry of turnovers turned a relatively close affair into 42-13 Seminole romp. I do not need to tell you that Florida State does not have Peter Warrick and Chris "Treebeard" Weinke tossing the ball around anymore. They are bad. And their quarterback has the worst surname of any quarterback outside of "Jimmy Interception" and "Nathan Fumbledsnap": Christian Ponder. Penn State was down by three touchdowns in the blink of an eye to a USC team that is very good, but not that good. Northwestern repped itself fairly well before losing to a thoroughly slightly-above-average Missouri team. I slept through Iowa's win over South Carolina, not knowing it would be the Big Ten's only glimpse at fleeting postseason glory. Michigan State gave Georgia as much guff as it possibly could, but as I called in Dr. Saturday's liveblog, would not win if it gave up a touchdown to Georgia. It did. Three of them.

Actually, it wasn't just tough to watch. It was brutal at times. Big Ten teams, almost across the board, responded to adversity by going into a shell at which Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler would have gawked. It was truly a sight to see in its uniformity. Wisconsin had a reasonably good shell to go into - it averaged nine yards a pop on the ground against Florida State's rather good run defense. But it doesn't mean anything if every nine yard gain is punctuated by a fumble or the next nine yard gain alternates with a wobbly, underthrown pick. Big ten quarterbacks, Brian Hoyer and Dustin Sherer chief among them, throw wobbly, underthrown picks that cause ACC quarterbacks to cover their eyes and throw themselves on the ground, prostrate and wailing with agony (from here on out this condition will be known as 16 seconds left in the Fiesta Bowl).

What the hell is wrong with the Big Ten? Why can't it get away from mentalities that have been dead and gone schematically for nearly forty years? Is the bitch mentality as ubiquitous in the conference as I will allege in the next piece? The simple answer is the obvious one: I don't know. Whatever the Big Ten lacks, it is not one of these things: speed, athleticism, athletes, or whatever the latest media meme is. If you're a division one football program, you have athletes and speed to burn. Some teams just have a ridiculous amount of it, namely Florida. The widening gap between Big Ten teams and teams from the SEC, Big XII, whatever, cannot merely be accredited to recruiting stars and a lack thereof. Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State and Wisconsin are all NFL factories. Even bad coaches at some of those schools cannot stop, or even begin to slow down, the flow of stellar athletes from Big Ten schools into the league. Ohio State stands a good chance of getting three guys drafted in the first round. Talent is not the issue, at least with the conference's typical top four. In my intense, deep and prolonged study of the current state of the Big Ten, I have identified three different problems affecting the eleven teams that make up the poorly-monikered conference: The Bitch Mentality, Dead Weight, and Cratered Expectations that may or may not have been there in the first place.

In the first section, I will discuss the Bitch Mentality, a problem plaguing the conferences' States: Michigan, Penn and Ohio. Iowa, more often than not, also suffers from a bitch mentality. We shall see as much when Iowa quarterback and former Gambino crime family police informant Ricky Stanzi can no longer simply hand off to Shonn Greene and watch him personally defile a defense. UM also used to suffer from an intense case of the bitch mentality, and for the sake of convenience, will be discussed at length in this section.

The second section will deal with Dead Weight; coaches who found early success who now cling bitterly to it in the face of losing to Western Michigan and edging out Cal Poly. As you may have guessed, Wisconsin and Illinois fall into this category.

The third and final section will deal with Cratered Expectations; something that in truth affects every Big Ten team to some extent, as fanbases are not instantly out for blood following every loss like Ohio State and its SEC kindred. It is not necessarily a problem; some fanbases are simply more civilized than the ravenous, bloodthirsty Ohio State fanbase, and probably already have a good head coach getting the most he can out of the schools feeble program. Others don't care that much about "sports", preferring to unlock all the achievements in Fable II rather than find a good football coach who does not look like a walrus. Others still have hired an "OO-RAH GO TEAM I DO COCAINE" Red Bull goomba under promises of Rose Bowls and "Minnesota footbaw". Pitiably, the remaining team has never been good at football and is having its once-proud roundball program crushed under the pudgy thumbs of a text-happy basketball coach. As you have probably noticed Northwestern, Purdue, Minnesota, and Indiana are the primary culprits in the final category.

I don't read all that much, spending my sleepless nights studying calculus and praying to various heathen gods while sacrificing small animals that I'll pass the damn class, but when I do, it's usually something history or politics-related. Thus, I've had my fill of seeing (and usually not reading) books on the rack that read "GLARING, POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE WORD(S) IN ALLCAPS AND RED LETTERING (usually something along the lines of "liberals, degenerates, commies, bible-thumpers, terrists [sic], Talibandits, the Welsh, Ohio State fans"): What it/they is/are doing to America/the Environment/Manbearpig and what we/you/I/Cthulhu can do about it". This is not intended to be a blog version of those books. I cannot offer anything beyond general remedies for the ailments each program is suffering from, and believe me, each program has ailments in spades. This is a general overview, not a team-by-team diagnosis.

First part should be up by mid-week.

I wasn't aware Texas recruited from Outworld

2009-01-06T12:38:00.010-05:00

That has to be some sort of recruiting violation. When Mack Brown pulled in the "26-year old" (immortal) Outworld Sorcerer and Necromancer Quan Chi in 2001 as a WR, ~~NAMBLA~~ recruiting services somehow missed it as quite possibly the steal of the decade. You see, Quan "Cosby" has no use for your "route-running" or your "zone defense", aspects of a merely mortal existence, instead utilizing his teleportation ability like so:

Anderson Russell's bicycle kicks do not faze the Quan

As you saw during last night's game, Quan teleported to the perfect spot, equidistant between Anderson Russell and Marcus Freeman, tossed a random giant fucking screaming green skull Anderson's way, and sped into the end zone before you can say "Mortal Kombat 4 fucking sucked and so did its sequels". That shit's not fair. That has to be like, a penalty or something. The refs were handing those out like candy yesterday, but up and disappeared right then. I guess the GFSGS got to them as well. I propose a new NCAA regulation: all athletes must be recruited from Earthrealm.

Also, there is no truth to the rumor that, in order for Quan to "sign" with the Longhorns (in blood, of course), Mack Brown traded Will Muschamp's soul, cursing his body to remain in Austin for eternity. I think.

(Ed note: I will not be typing out a serious response to the game anytime soon. Probably. For me, the grief is still too near.)

Fiesta!

2009-01-05T13:03:00.004-05:00

Come all you rambling boys of pleasure
O-linemen of easy leisure
We must kick 'Horn ass and hope we'll see
Arizona once again

Some housekeeping: I may be moving into new digs in the near future. Whenever it happens, I'll drop the link here so all five of you can follow me.

Also, this

2009-01-03T00:30:00.006-05:00

Alabama lost by more points to the Utes than a dickless Michigan team (is there any other kind?) did way back in September. Now all we need is Oklahoma to shake off its bowl faceplants and I can deal with not breaking the losing streak for another year.

And no, Ohio State would not have beaten that Bama team. Still. FRODO! FROOOOOOOOOODO- er, BRIAN! BRIIIIIIIIIAANNN!

Statistical Analysis, Part 4: Ohio State Offense and the Prediction

2009-01-02T21:44:00.018-05:00

The fourth and final part of the statistical analysis of each unit in the Texas-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl. Part one dealt with the Buckeye defense, part two dealt with the Texas offense, and part three covered the Longhorn defense. Finally, we deal with the much-maligned (and justifiably so) Buckeye offense.
So many pies, so little time.

This won't be an easy column to write. Throughout the majority of its history, Ohio State has never been a versatile offensive team. If it can't run the ball, it usually cannot win. I'm not sure why we're so shockingly consistent in having a stellar running game with a meh, but not terrible passing game. With the exception of a few years under Walt Harris' explosive, talent-laden offenses in the 90's, this has been the case. It hasn't always been just three yards and a cloud of dust, but when the going got tough, that's what it would go back to more often than not. Brian Cook, dirty hippie and MGoBlogger extraordinare, quantified Michigan's conservative offensive schemes as "throwing rock", because rock always wins and paper and scissors are for commie faggots. Not his exact language, but you get the idea. It began with Bo for Michigan, and it began with Woody for the good guys. It hasn't ended yet, and won't change under Jim Tressel, barring a cataclysmic offensive coordinator hire and the ceding of playcalling duties to said offensive coordinator.

It wasn't considered hyperbole in the preseason magazine to label this the most talented team Jim Tressel has coached, and all the accolades were not reserved for future first rounders James Laurinaitis and Malcolm Jenkins. The offense was seen as a complete package that wouldn't put its defense in bad positions and generally get the job done "managing the game", as the cliche so often runs. It was expected to do a very good job of what Jim Tressel asks his offenses to do, and in the end, it kindasorta did, but in the ugliest fashion it could manage (pun not intended). What was surprising was the frequency with which the offense utterly failed; there is That One Game Out West, the Penn State slugfest, and even the Purdue game. Purdue gave up 41 points to Michigan people. Michigan. The offense alternated between mediocre and bad, which is mostly fine for Tressel, because mediocre has described every offense not led by Troy Smith under his direction.

Time for the wonktastic Google Docs chart. Apologies. Again, I'm discounting the Youngstown game, for all the obvious reasons.

So, yeah, this shouldn't surprise any of you. Ohio State's passing game is anemic, with flashes of competence. In fact, the only times it passed for more yards than the opposing defenses typically allowed, it lost. Thankfully, only one of those games can be attributed to a team letting up off the pedal: USC was up 21-3 at halftime and knew it merely needed to breathe to win in the second half. However, this is not a particularly inspiring set of statistics. There are some things to consider: in blowouts like NW and MSU, and in relatively one-sided affairs like Minnesota and Illinois, Tressel abandons the pass once he gets up ten or more. The passing statistics are softened by Tressel's innate cro-magness, the id within him that believes anything beyond a 10-point vic is achieved only by running up the score. When Ohio State needed a passing game, against Penn State, it had a good deal of success. Of course, Mark Sanchez showed that's not a particularly tall task just last night, but it isn't entirely hopeless for Ohio State. I think that when needed, Jim Tressel can come up with a reasonable facsimile of a passing game. I think he has learned at least a little bit from the Florida debacle in that respect; Ohio State moved the ball through the air fairly well against USC, Penn State, and even last year in the title game against LSU. Of course, it could be argued with two of those three that most of those yards came with Ohio State passing (or attempting to pass) its way out of a deficit. Regardless, I think that if forced to, Ohio State can move the ball through the air against Texas; it did reasonably well against a far better pass D in Penn State.

The problem is the running game. Texas' defense is downright nasty against the run. It's better than Penn State, which does not bode well for the Ohio State running attack. But as you can see, Ohio State went on a tear on the ground in its last three games. One game was against a bad rush D in Illinois, a mediocre one in Texas, and a rather good (top 40) rush defense in Northwestern. If the offensive line plays about as well as it did in the last three games, Ohio State has a very good shot at the upset.

As a final sidebar before I move onto the prediction; has anyone else noticed that a lot of the bowl season has seen the supposedly stellar Big 12 QBs struggling against OOC defenses? Chase Daniel looked lost for most of the game against Northwestern, Graham Harrell threw two picks and attempted nearly 60 passes against Ole Miss and lost, and Zac Robinson dropped a deuce into the Oregon secondary. I'm not calling the Big 12 "overrated" anytime soon, mostly due to hatred of the term, but it hasn't been an impressive postseason for its signal callers.

Of course, I'd die if Teeps threw four touchdowns to two picks against the 'Horns, as Harrell did against DAREBBAHS, so perhaps I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. It's as encouraging to me as the Big Ten's postseason struggles in general are for Texas fans.

So, a prediction. I've worked on these columns for the better part of a month, and I still don't think I have a great feel for the game. Why? Because I did similar things - for shiggles, mostly, not for blogging - for the Florida and LSU debacles, and predicted games far different from the way they ended up shaking out. I thought Ohio State would trounce Florida, and lose close to the Tigers, and was wrong both times.

So, five chances for me to look like a jackalope come Tuesday:

- Less than 100 yards rushing for Beanie Wells
- More than 200 yards passing for Terrelle Pryor
- "Overrated" chants begin at 10:00 left in the third quarter. Mark May climaxes at 9:50.
- The Buckeyes will ~~pull a Tiller~~ put up a garbage touchdown or two, inspiring Texas to put one last TD on the board to make a point
- Final score: Texas 44, Ohio State 27

Statistical Analysis, Part 3: Texas Defense

2008-12-29T20:03:00.021-05:00

The third in a four part statistical analysis of each unit in the Texas-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl. Part one dealt with the Buckeye defense, part two dealt with the Texas offense, and part three covers the Longhorn defense.

To hardly anyone's surprise, the general meme around the banana republic that is Ohio State's corner of Blogfrica has been that Texas' defense is the weak spot of the team, and that Texas' lack of an elite defense will prevent this from being another embarrassing blowout. Like most conventional wisdom, this is an arrogant, and probably wrong assumption. In reviewing the defensive statistics for the teams the 'Horns offense has played, I saw some of Texas' defensive stats, particularly against the rush. I had nightmares. They are good. Will "Muskamp" does that to you. These are mostly assumptions I'm making prior to looking at the stats in-depth, however, so we shall see how they hold up afterward.

A few quick observations:

- Texas' run defense is sick-nasty and probably illegal in most states
- the secondary isn't half as bad as alleged given the offenses it has played
- Texas' defense is perfectly capable of making this game as ugly as any of the last few blowouts
- Hide the women, children. Hell, small animals too.

It's safe to say that three teams - Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Baylor - came into their game against Texas planning to win the game running the ball, like the Buckeyes inevitably will. The only game which did not end in tears for said team was Oklahoma State. Fortunately, Ohio State resembles Oklahoma State the most in terms of overall offense and players. Pryor is probably quicker in that Okie State QB Zac Robinson, and Wells is probably better (when healthy) than Kendall Hunter. The problem: Oklahoma State has a passing game to keep the defense honest. Ohio State, for most of the year, has not had any passing game, much less one to keep a defense honest. The numbers against Oklahoma are simply horrific: they held the Sooners, they of the two 1000-yard rushers, one hundred and fifty fuckin' yards under their average. It's a testament to Sam Bradford that it wasn't a blowout.

Texas is primed to shut Ohio State down. It's as simple as that. It's their strength against our strength, and I think it's hard to argue that Texas' rush defense isn't more consistent than Ohio State's rushing game, more than half of an offense that went three games without scoring an offensive touchdown. Big surprise: the offensive line has to show up. It can't just show up, though, it has to play the best game of any Ohio State offensive line since 2002 if it wants to, ya know, win. This is barring a ridiculous amount of turnovers by the Longhorns and three Malcolm Jenkins pick sixes.

No one is under any illusion that Ohio State is even a shadow of the best offense Texas has played, and with good reason. But to be fair, most offense are not Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, or Missouri (who I'm watching struggle with Just Northwestern this very instant, to my dismay)

The impenetrable nature of the Texas rush defense may be why we're hearing about potential tricksyness with both Pryor and Boeckman on the field. As bad as the offensive line is, I'm not sure Boeckman can make all that much of a difference. I do like the move, somewhat, since it shows a willingness by Tressel to shake things up to best attack Texas' defensive "weakness". Perhaps Boeckman will end up saving the day, given that he can complete passes 20+ yards down the field with a consistency Pryor has yet to show? Perhaps Boeckman will go out on a positively storybook note, torching the Texas secondary for 200 or more yards. Does he have it in him? Does the line have it in them to block "Osackpo" for very long, if at all?

I doubt it. We shall see. If the numbers above don't cause you to go limp in the pants as an Ohio State fan, I don't know what will. Is there any hope, Gandalf, for Pryor and Beanie? Yeah, I think so. Penn State boasts a similarly dominating rushing defense, and Pryor actually did quite well moving the ball through the air against the subpar Penn State secondary. Of course, Ohio State managed a grand total of six points in the game, so if that's what we have to take for inspiration, excuse me if I'm a little intimidated. Also inspiring: Texas had a very a good rush D in 2006 even after we beat them, though we didn't exactly gash them on the ground in Austin.

In, sum, this is your defense:

This is your defense on Will Muschamp:

Stop your wailing in agony. If you aren't already an Ohio State football fatalist, you haven't been paying attention.

I forgot

2008-12-26T01:13:00.004-05:00

But it doesn't matter since the majority of you probably have today off as well, so I hope you had a Merry Christmas. Bruce does too. Unless you're a Michigan fan or something of a similarly repugnant nature.

Statistical Analysis, Part 2: Texas Offense

2008-12-22T22:03:00.017-05:00

The second in a four part statistical analysis of each unit in the Texas-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl. Part one dealt with the Buckeye defense, part two deals the 'Horns offense.

Twelve: Number on his jersey, or his real age?

Every superlative you can think of has been applied to the Texas offense, so I'm not going to waste your time: they're good. Scary good. Beat Oklahoma like a redheaded stepchild good. They are not unstoppable. No one is. Except for Florida 2008. But really, no one is. Texas has relied on its offense to carry the season, because it's defense certainly can't (or at least has not shown the ability to) pick up the slack. Part of that is attributable to ridiculous Big 12 offenses like Oklahoma, Texas Tech, and even Missouri and Kansas. Nonetheless, the defense has been subpar, especially by Will Muschamp's standards (not Muskamp, Bob "Melanoma" Davie).

Prior to the statistical analysis, I believed there are two offenses Ohio State has faced comparable to Texas: Illinois and Penn State. Ohio State struggled with the former, and performed suprisingly well against the latter. I also assumed Colt McCoy is liable to take off and run more than either of the two quarterbacks in both systems, and I don't need to remind you that Ohio State struggles against mobile quarterbacks, but I'll do it anyway. We'll see how these assumptions hold up in a minute.

I know that Google Docs sucks a wheelbarrow full of lobster-sized dicks, but bear with me so I don't have to learn anything complicated.

A key, if you need it:

APYA = Average pass yards allowed
ARYA = Average rush yards allowed

Figure out the rest for yourself.

The chart really doesn't tell you anything you shouldn't already know; more often than not, Texas' offense is housing fools. It doesn't do it in the balanced manner expected of great offenses, but it does it nonetheless. Some of the surprisingly bad/lackluster stats (UTEP, Colorado) can be attributed to the calling off of the proverbial dogs. Against Kansas, the 'Horns were up 35-7 after three. Texas A+M was a laugher almost from the start. I would not put much stock in subpar stats in most games that ended up being blowouts.

Nonetheless, there are a few key games where Texas struggled. Texas Tech is the most obvious one. For a half, ~~Colt McCoy by his own damn self~~ the Texas offense was kept under wraps by a smothering Texas Tech defense, which also happens to be the second-most balanced defense in the Big 12 behind Nebraska (6th vs run, 3rd vs pass). Nevertheless, Colt McCoy put the team on his back (again) and rallied Texas to a 33-32 lead. Buttergfingers in the Texas secondary and one Play of the Year of the Week later, Texas lost, but not because of any failure from the offense. Well maybe the rush offense, which was nonexistent against a unit it should have done better against. Still, the point stands: no one has truly shut down Texas for any more than a half. The offense runs in fits and starts on occassion, but Texas' fits and starts would be Nebraska '95 in the Big Ten, ACC and yeah, the SEC this year. They're that good. Not unstoppable, but definitely difficult to slow down. Even Heacock will get a bit of a pass if he gives up 30 to these guys.

My initial assumptions about Texas' offense and offenses similar to it in the Big 10 was largely correct, but I think Penn State has a far, far better running game. It isn't one guy, for starters. Okay, that's an oversimplification. Nonetheless, no team wants it quarterback to be its leading rusher unless that team is Georgia Tech. For whatever reason, Texas could not get its rushing game unstuck against some opponents (UTEP, Okie State) and obliterated others with it (Colorado, Okie). If you want to understand how hard Texas' rushing attack is to appraise, the best rushing defense nationally it faced all year was Oklahoma, and you can see above how that worked out. But against the 44th-ranked rush D of Texas Tech, it netted 80 whopping yards (almost as many yards total offense as OSU had in the '06 title game wa-hey!) In an odd coincidence, Ohio State is ranked literally just below the Sooners in rush defense, but it can be argued that the Sooners are so good against the run because they're so bad against the pass. Like, 110th in the country bad. One thing is certain: Ohio State will be the most balanced defense the Longhorns have faced, by far.

Fortunately, Ohio State's defense versus Texas' offense will be a matchup of strength on strength in the purest terms. Literally, it's Texas' downright sick passing game versus Ohio State's very good - but not great - secondary. I fully expect Malcolm Jenkins to more or less lock down Jordan Shipley. The onus is on the rest of the secondary to limit Quan Cosby et al. as best they can. I do not think Ohio State will keep McCoy under 200 yards as it did to both Mark Sanchez and Matt Flynn, for the following reasons: His name is "Colt McCoy", ARGH SOFT ZONE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD ARGH, and I'm not convinced either Sanchez or Flynn are half the QB McCoy is.

HOWEVA (credit to MGoBlog), there is hope. Texas' lack of a consistent rushing attack from anyone other than Colt means that if the front seven does its job against the running game, the secondary may get help from the linebackers, cutting off Texas' butter ins, outs and slant routes. This is not a great downfield passing game, but neither were LSU or Florida. But both of those teams could generate a serious rushing attack when it mattered most. I'm not sure Texas can with any consistency. If Ohio State does the impossible and shuts down the Texas passing game, the rushing game simply won't be able to make up for it, due to its own deficiencies and Ohio State's typically stellar rush D.

The difference between Ohio State and every defense Texas has played is that it actually has a living, breathing secondary, something no Big 12 team seems to have. Fun fact: Colorado was the number one pass defense in the Big 12, allowing just 215 yards a game. Arkansas was 10th in the SEC allowing 208 yards per game. What does this mean? Probably bupkis. Name one reasonably good QB in the SEC not named Stafford or Tebow. Still, if you buy into the perception that Big 12 defenses are simply atrocious as a group, your viewpoint softens a little bit. Regardless of what you believe, it's hard to argue that the Buckeye defense isn't the most balanced defense the Longhorns will play all year, and provided Heacock coaches about as well as he did versus PSU, it should keep the game from becoming yet another ugly blow out. Cross your fingers.

Personally, I'm not all that optimistic. For all the progress Jim Heacock appeared to show against Penn State, he regressed against Illinois. As you saw in the last post, Illinois basically did what it wanted with the Ohio State defense in Champaign, and was killed in the end by frequent turnovers. Illinois also had a ridiculous pass offfense and a meh rush offense, and torched the Buckeyes doing both. Illinois was starting Juice "40%" Williams, people. I don't care how much he's improved, he'll always be "40%" to me. Regardless of what you think of him, he's not Colt McCoy. Daniel Dufrene is not Chris Ogbonnaya. Arrelious Benn is probably not Jordan Shipley or Quan Cosby, though Arrelious was quite limited against the Buckeyes. Still, I don't think Heacock has learned much if at all. I'll be surprised if Ohio State's defense, as good as it may seem, holds Texas under 30 points if it again deploys the same defensive game plan it did in every big game prior to the one against Penn State. Then again, maybe Heacock has some voodoo over Mack Brown, because even with Vince Young, Limas Sweed, Selvin Young et al. Texas was only able to score 25 points on Ohio State in 2005, and 7 in McCoy's first (important) start as a Longhorn. Maybe Heacock has pictures of Mack Brown making a blumpkin pie with a goat that he'll release if Mack ever beats us by more than three. Or something. The prognosis is still not good. I'll believe - hesitantly - in Heacock again if he can actually gameplan to stop this offense.

Statistical Analysis, Part One: Ohio State Defense

2008-12-15T20:35:00.026-05:00

The first in a four part statistical analysis of each unit in the Texas-Ohio State Fiesta Bowl. Part one will deal with the Buckeye defense, part two the 'Horns offense, part three the Texas defense, and part four the Ohio State offense. Most will probably agree I'm not saving the best for last.

You want a legacy, boys, aside from two title game flops that weren't really your fault? Now's your shot. Do work, son(s).

Ohio State fans can be mostly sure what the media meme this year will be: Texas' speedy, versatile offense, laden with sure-fire first rounders will absolutely shred the overrated, slow, unathletic Ohio State defense, all of whom will be lucky to get drafted (but ignore ~~the fact that we have two, possibly three of them going in the first round on all of our draft boards~~ the man behind the curtain!)

Serious fans of college football know things aren't quite so simple. Outside of a debacle against USC, Ohio State's defense has been more or less impenetrable. While not a rabid pack of fuck lions in the vein of Alabama and USC, the Buckeyes have seen steady improvement throughout the season, the highlight of which was limiting Penn State's potent, versatile offense to just 13 points and one offensive touchdown (off of a turnover, no less) through four quarters in Columbus. Ohio State used a complex package of blitzes, man-to-man coverage and general luck with its usual soft zone in holding Penn State four touchdowns below its average score. Not only was this arguably the most impressive performance of the defense in the last three years, it was possibly the best coaching job Heacock has done since holding, interestingly enough, Vince Young-led Texas to 25 points in Columbus, a game also ulimately decided by turnovers. For once, I cannot lay the blame for a big game loss at the feet of both Jims, because Heacock did a heck of a job (Brownie), and I can't take anything away from his accomplishment. But across the year, the defense retained its bend-but-don't-break modus operandi, giving up yards aplenty but calming down and executing when it had to.

Statistical analysis means charts, or rather a spreadsheet. I have thrown out the Youngstown game, because a) it was a travesty that it was even scheduled and b) it was competitive for about fifteen seconds in the first quarter. Anyway, here we go. You can scroll right and left or up and down as need be.

(I am aware that the above chart is rather jankity in both look and feel, but it gets the point across. If you know of a better way to upload .xls files, I'd like to hear it. For now, we get sadness, despair and Google Docs. A screw- up I don't feel like correcting: APY in the first column is supposed to be ARY, or average rushing yards. For the dimmest of you out there, APY stands for average passing yards for the season)

I want to caution against excess optimism you may get from the USC game, mainly due to the fact that, simply eyeballing the stats, it doesn't look too bad. But no, if you remember the game, they are not. At no point in the game did USC have any trouble moving the ball with consistency against the Buckeye soft zone, at least while the game was still in doubt (i.e. up until the Rey-Rey pick six). But the ugliness of the final score cannot be put entirely on the defense; the offense turned the ball over and more often than not punted in situations that gave USC excellent field position. Like Florida and to a lesser extent LSU, USC enjoyed short fields and time-consuming drives.

Nonetheless, Ohio State's defense hasn't been anything short of impressive the rest of the year, though certainly lackluster at points. 200 rushing yards to Illinois is acceptable, but not encouraging. Wisconsin's penultimate drive in which they encountered little resistance from any part of the defense is troubling, especially against a "pro-style" (i.e. non-spread) offense that, if you listen to Ohio State fans, we "usually dominate" (meaning Lloyd-Carr era Michigan and Joe Pa's ponderous rock-throwing offenses of the early 2000's). But by and large, it's nitpicking. USC didn't have as good of a day as it might at first seem, short fields or not, and Penn State's passing attack was wholly shut down. Really, as you look across the season, no one passed all over the Buckeyes, and for the most part the last few years, limiting the opposing passing game has been Heacock's specialty, if not shutting it down entirely. Florida's spread barely cracked 200 against the Buckeyes, and Matt Flynn only tossed for 174 yards against the OSU secondary in LSU's title win. Historically, Ohio State is a very good team against the pass under Heacock. Against LSU, Florida and USC, short fields and offensive turnovers had as much to do with the ugly finals as bad defense did. Preventing short fields against the APOCB-certified Downright 'Donkulous (©) Texas offense will be key to Ohio State even keeping the game close, much less winning. Ironically, the onus is on the special teams to let the defense do what it does best: stop people in the red zone after long, sustained drives. It has a tough task against Jordan Shipley, bonafide white guy "possession receiver" with deceptive speed/surprising athleticism/incredible toughness, who single-handedly shifted momentum in both the OU and Texas Tech games.

Next, I'll be discussing Texas' potent, somewhat one-dimensional offense, and issuing an idiotic blanket prediction about how I think the two will match-up based on given evidence.

Joe Ohio State Message Board Denizen's Dissertation on the Ohio State Offense

2008-12-12T16:16:00.019-05:00

Hello fellow BUCKEYE FANS, I'm Joe Ohio State Message Board Denizen and I've got somethin' I been wantin' to say for a really long TAHME.

ALRIGHT, we all know of this team's FAILURES on the BIGGEST STAGE the last few years. We know that due to Jim Tressel's CONSERVATIVE OFFENSIVE PHILOSIFY, WE HAVEN'T BEEN WINNIN' THE BIG GAMES AGAINST THE BIG BOYS. He has failed the PROGRAM, the BUCKEYE NATION, and most importantly of all, he has failed ME. He has SHAMED me in the presence of my NON-BUCKEYE FAN (AKA FAGS OLOLOLOLOL) COWORKERS. Now I'm gonna git to the defensive philosophy in my NEXT post, here I'm gonna tell Jim how he MUST RUN THE OFFENSE in the upcoming BOWL GAME AGAINST UT (LOL ONLY STEERS AND QUEERS OLOLOLOLOLOL)

1. Play with SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. GET ALL OUR SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED ON THE FIELD.

2. PLAY AGGRESSIVE. 3rd and 1? Call a deep post pattern! Patton woulda done it! Ya gotta do the unexpected to win the unexpected, Jimbo!

(Ed. note: I shit you not, that last line was something I read on Scout shortly after the Penn State game. I can't find the link, though. I fear the thread - full of treasures similar to that one - was locked, and is lost forever. I don't know about you, but the minute I read it, it became the guiding philosophy of my life)

3. BE AGGRESSIVE! B-E AGGRESSIVE! This might seem simlar to my first point, but it's something we aren't enough of anymore. I wanna spread 'em out. I want to get 'em in space. I want us to UTILIZE our ATHLETES. I want catchphrases and overused football clichés!

4. RUN OPEN COMPETITION PRACTICES. It werks for USC, so it'll work for us! There's no way an entire offseason of practicing, drills, and meticulous analysis of players' abilities will let you create a bonafahde DEPTH CHART. YA GOTTA BENCH 'EM THE MOMENT THEY MAKE EVEN THE SMALLEST MISTAKE. WOODY WOULD APPROVE.

5. BE UNCONVENTIONAL. Everyone always be tellin' me that you got something you're hahdin' from us all Jim, and that ya been done doin' that since before we played the UNIVERSITY OF SPOILED CHILDREN OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!1111 Well I'm not sure ah buy it anymoar. For the bowl game, I got some ideas for plays that I'm sure will work against the SHORTHORNS OLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!11one GET IT SHORTHORN = SMALL COCK OLOLOLOLOL!!!111one

a. Double reverse triple option flea flicker screen to Todd Boeckman. KEEP THE EYES OF TEXAS ON THE BACKFIELD, LOL! Then BOOM, Rehring and Co. are HUSTLIN' DOWNFIELD like DOUGGY DATS IN THE '06 FIESTA BOWL!

b. TACKLE ELIGIBLE PLAY - If Alex Boone getting consistently beat by speed rushers tells me anything, it is that he can tote the ball downfield with the best of him. Get our 300-pounders in space, Jim!!!!!!11one

c. ONCE TEXAS BITES ON PLAY A, ya gotta run the DOUBLE REVERSE TRIPE OPTION DUBBLE BUBBLE SCREEN TO LAMAAR THOMAS, cuz we all knows SPEED KILLS, and LaMaaaaarrr's got that SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. I SEE HIS SPEED ALL THE TIME ON CAMPUS WHEN I PARK MY CAR ILLEGALLY BY THE CENTRAL CLASSROOM BUILDING, MASSAGE MY MUSTACHE AND SLOWLY SLIDE MY HANDS DOWN MY LEVI'S AS I WATCH HIM HURRY TO CLASS

*ahem*

Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU CAN NOT FAIL BUCKEYE NATION AGAIN, JIM. WE DESERVE A BOWL WIN, AND NOTHING LESS. Anything short of it, and you can go shake John Cooper's hand at the unemployment office NEXT SEASON, because you're a massive FAILURE of a coach and my entire OPINION of you hinges on this ONE GAME.

GO BUCKS, scUM sucks ROFLMAOPWNED!

December 9th, 2008 - the Day America Fucking Died

2008-12-10T01:56:00.007-05:00

Or was at least put on life support. This is a fucking travesty. They've got your wife. Not married, you say?

YOU ARE NOW.

TO AMERICA.

VOTE FREEDOM

VOTE AMERICA

VOTE 7 lb, 6 oz BABY JESUS, MOM, APPLE PIE.

VOTE LEMAN, MOTHERFUCKERS.

You don't want his pure American red, white and blue blood all over your hands, do you?

It's Tejas

2008-12-09T15:02:00.014-05:00

"Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second his heart rips in half."

While it is far from the best of all possible match-ups, Ohio State has drawn a relatively favorable one in Texas. In the Fiesta bowl, too, where we had so much success before the Game That Shall Not Be Named, though Buckeye partisans are sure to point out that that wasn't actually the Fiesta Bowl, just a national championship game played at the Fiesta Bowl site. Whatev. What matters is Ohio State is 3-1 in Tempe, and the last four trips there have showcased partisan Buckeye crowds. Given the results of the last two bowl games and the spiraling deathstorm that the gubmint calls an economy, bowl attendance for Ohio State is likely to take a hit. Yes, the Buckeyes are typically one of the best traveling fanbases, but so is Texas, and I'd be shocked in the crowd isn't basically split down the middle.

I like this match-up for a number of reasons. First, Texas has a terrific fanbase. I went to the game in '05 and by far they were the best of any visiting group of fans. Predictably, they were treated awfully by most of Buckeye nation, but the ~~hilljacks~~ Ohio State fans I sat near were very cordial to the visitors. The atmosphere was suitably tense for most of the game, but the vulgar language was directed toward the field (three audible "RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF"-s when Vince Young toted the ball), and not at the opposing fans, which was nice. The horror stories I've heard from that night are undoubtedly true, but it seems Texas fans in my section took it in stride if they were victimized in any way.

Second, Texas' defense leaves a lot to be desired. They're vastly improved from last year, given the acquisition of the Right Honourable Boom Motherfucker, Esq., head coach-in-waiting and card-carrying twisted psycho. Nonetheless, Texas has been a bend-but-don't-break defense for most of the year, getting aggressive when need be but giving up yards in bunches, mostly through the air.

Third, Texas has one thing it does really well on offense, and that is airing it out. RoboColt completes roughly 77 percent of his passes last I checked, but (probably) hasn't seen a secondary as good as Ohio State's all year. Secondly, Texas doesn't have many burners in the vein of Damien Williams from SC or Percy Harvin from Florida. They're there, but they're either young or not starting. I fully expect Texas to put as much speed on the field as it can against Ohio State, because while the Buckeyes don't lack speed (grr), they have had trouble stopping speedsters with their soft zone approach, which more often than not makes the Buckeyes look slow.

Fourth, there is one team Texas played all year that looks certifiably like Ohio State's offense, and it's Oklahoma State. Texas barely beat Okie State 28-24 in Austin. The same Okie State team traveled to Lubbock weeks later and found itself the victim of a 35-point beatdown at the hands of Texas Tech. Okie State is not particularly good. There is a problem: Okie State has a passing game. Texas could not stack the box against Okie State because Zac Robinson is a true dual threat with a playmaker like Dez Bryant to throw to, unlike the One at this point in his career. Ohio State absolutely must attack Texas' secondary, the weakest part of the defense, in order to win. If they cannot do this, Texas will stack the box, like Penn State and USC, and dare Ohio State to throw its way to a win. Terrelle Pryor has not shown he can do that yet. If there is any time for the Ohio State passing game's coming out party against a sub-par pass defense, it is now.

This is by far the most winnable BCS game in which Ohio State could have landed. Those of you who care about our program's "reputation" should enjoy this match-up as a chance for Ohio State to show it really can beat the Big Boys. By no means is Texas overrated, or is Ohio State underrated. These teams are where they deserve to be in the polls. The line is currently at 10 and will likely move up come game time. This game is on the coaching staff, because this team is undoubtedly talented enough to win this game, and every game it had on its schedule for that matter, but I digress. The coordinators have one last chance to impress. Regardless of how this game goes, I'd like to see them gone gone gone in the offseason. But a win against a genuinely good team earns them a little of our patience. I fully expect them, when given said patience, to flush the opportunities it presents down the toilet come September, but maybe that's just me.

In the coming weeks I'll be doing unit breakdowns and match-ups as bowl preview. I fully expect analysis of the facts to improve my outlook of the game, but I caution against any and all optimism on the grounds that I grew more optimistic while examining the stats prior to the LSU game last year, and then reality promptly took a nice giant nutty shit on my happy little world come January 7th.

Sittin' on top of the world, part 3

2008-12-08T16:19:00.031-05:00

Part three of a three-part series of incoherent rants, jumbled musings and confused bullhockey about the last three seasons. Highlighted here is the Season of Upstarts and Broken Hearts, 2008.

So, it was 2008, I guess. We had a pretty good football team coming in, I guess. Number three in the country or something. I wasn't ready to get excited about much of anything, because regardless of how the season began and where we ranked in whatever preseason poll was being thrown out based entirely on program reputation, the fate of the entire season hinged on one game. In a down conference, after two years of embarassment, Ohio State had one shot to "redeem itself". As most of you probably already know, it did not. In the wake: "sputtering rage, gibbering condemnation and resigned ennui" as That Dirty Hippie Up North so eloquently put it. The one thing I actually cheered about all night was when Marcus Freeman finally got to Mark 'Dirté' Sanchez on a 4th down sack, when the game was already over, and the Humanitarian was running up the score to impress the voters. I don't have anything against Carroll or USC or running up the score; I just simply pumped my fist and let out a little, defeated "yeah!" from the comfort of my living room couch. Looking back at this, I realize now why exactly I was cheering a great play by a team down 32 points: it still had some measure of fight left in it. Say what you will about Heacock, Bollman, the Vest and their failures on the national stage and I will probably agree with 90% of it. But don't you ever knock this group of seniors for anything outside of the occasional blown assignment or missed block. Marcus Freeman, James Laurinaitis, Alex Boone, Malcolm Jenkins, and every other senior on that roster has invested anywhere from 4 to 6 years in the program, and every single one of them deserves our admiration, thanks, and utmost respect for representing the university most of you attended and nearly all of my readers (all three of you) cheer for. Marcus Freeman had been relegated to pass coverage and blitzing on only the most obvious downs all night, and even though it was hopeless and there was nothing but embarassment and shame and resigned ennuie to be had after this game, he still fought to the end as best he could. Like a fucking warrior-poet.

Ohio State again had a shot at redeeming this season if not the program as a whole in its night home game against Penn State. In a game I still can't entirely explain, the Ohio State defense held up against an offense that looked unstoppable against everyone save a fluky game against Purdue. Heacock, despite Penn State's athletic WRs and RBs and spread offense, did not chicken out and play soft. He played man on occasion, blitzed on unconventional downs, and the defensive line actually got pressure - plenty of it -on Daryl Clark. Penn State was held to its lowest scoring output of the season, and needed two freshman mistakes by the One to get out of Columbus alive. For the third time in 2008, Ohio State was held without an offensive touchdown. The best game Jim Heacock had coached since Texas in 2005 was ignored largely because of the failures of Jim Bollman's side of the ball. But that loss, and the other offensive woes, can not easily be laid entirely at the feet of Jim Bollman. After all, he's a glorified line coach. He's Mike Debord with a Buckstache. Tressel is the balla, shot-calla of the offense. He chooses the plays. Apparently, Bollman literally suggests three or four plays and Tressel just picks one. Not only is this somewhat disturbing, it's disheartening that Bollman is receiving criticism, much like Ohio State, over something he doesn't have as much control over as people would like to believe. The rest of Ohio State's season was so nondescript I can sum every game up in basically one sentence: Pryor attempts less than 15 passes, Beanie Wells solidifies his draft stock when playing, the running game muddles along okay without him, and the offensive line consistently gets owned by the 2-star and 3-star Jimmies and Joes of Northwestern and Ohio. Terrelle Pryor has been nothing but impressive. He has made his freshman mistakes - taking large, drive-killing sacks chief among them - but they have not come in the form of constant turnovers, or really anything that would make you even begin to think he might not be the long-term answer at QB. Other youngsters impressed, Dan Herron and Michael Brewster chief among them, and Jermale "the Jackhammer" Hines looked impressive filling in for Kurt Coleman when he could. It was by no means a youth movement, but it was encouraging to see the next iteration of Ohio State football taking shape in these younger players.

The season was a disappointment. I don't think anyone can argue around that. This was the most talented team Jim Tressel has coached. Outside of a tough road date at USC, it was reasonable to expect an undefeated season. We had a sixth year (!) senior at quarterback, three seniors on the offensive line, arguably the best cover corner in the country, and a top-5 linebacker corps. Typically, the expectations of the Ohio State fanbase are a bit much, to put it lightly. There are many in our fanbase who think it is our birthright to go undefeated every year and that anything less is simply unacceptable. Personally, I am under no illusions that Ohio State fans are "owed" anything, or that even while donating millions of dollars to the AD that they "deserve" something. There is a difference between expectations and demands. I expected an undefeated season, but I'm not opening up Lane Avenue Torch and Pitfork over a two-loss season.

Nonetheless - and this is something I think all CFB fans can agree on - Ohio State is developing a character, and this year did nothing but reinforce it. Come the big games against the supposed big boys, Ohio State crumples. It fails. It dies trying. Whatever happens, it defies simple explanation. Some attempt to take the easy route and blame Ohio State's "lack of athleticism" (Mark May, Colin Cowherd, Todd McShay) even while their colleagues continually place Ohio State players at or near the top of their NFL draft boards at basically every position. Others point to Ohio State's soft conference schedule, something over which the Buckeyes have no control. In 2007, people pointed to the lackluster OOC schedule, featuring two macrifices, a D-1AA team and a Washington game scheduled years ago, shortly after Washington won a Rose Bowl. Again, this isn't something Ohio State can easily control. Most of the Ohio State fanbase faults the two coordinators: Jim Bollman and Jim Heacock. These two are easy targets, given their staid, consistent-yet-underwhelming schemes and the general perception that Tressel is still one of the top-five coaches in America.

As usual, the truth lies somewhere in the middle of that clusterfuck. I buy arguments regarding Ohio State's conference being down because the counter-argument literally doesn't exist, I buy arguments about the two coordinators, and I can see why people think Ohio State lacks athletes, even though to do so, I must forget most of what I know about football, defensive and offensive schemes, gap assignments, reads, so on and so forth. The problem is not, and will probably never be a lack of athletes. There is no unifying cause of Ohio State's problems in the "big game", but I do think these problems will begin to be addressed by doing the following.

1. Give Heacock and Bollman a nice, long sabbatical/vacay in Naples, and bar them from entering the state of Ohio for any reason other than to visit family ever again.

2. Tressel must cede playcalling to Bollman's replacement. He will be compensated with a lifetime supply of Bonbons and a private Beach Boys (what's left of them) concert.

3. Hire Mike Barwis or one of the wolves who raised him as S+C coach. Steve Rehring, in both attitude and physical shape, is the embodiment of everything wrong with the Ohio State offensive line. In the offseason, he claimed he should be given time off from practice because he's been their for four years and knows what's going on. In 2007, he showed up to camp at a nice, lean 350 fucking pounds and lost his starting job as a result (which he would win back after dropping supposedly 30, maybe 10-15 lbs). The entire offensive line is resting on laurels it doesn't even have.

Sigh. I should probably wrap this up, shouldn't I?

The last three years have been interesting, to say the least, if you're an Ohio State fan. It all started with a monumental win at 2nd-ranked Texas in 2006, and three years later, it's come full circle to a rubber match with the Longhorns in the Fiesta Bowl. Many, including myself to some extent, won't give the Buckeyes a chance. 90% of the idiots who don't give Ohio State a chance will claim that Ohio State "can't win the Big Game", while simultaneously calling this a "rubber match" after Ohio State 24-7 triumph in 1 vs. 2 in Austin (seems like a somewhat big game) and Texas' 25-22 escape from Columbus in a game in which both teams were also ranked in the top ten. This era of Ohio State football isn't set in stone yet, despite all the negativity surrounding the program and its players. The coaching staff must put together one of the best gameplans they have in their time here, to send these seniors, ones that they have failed four consecutive times in the biggest games of their lives, off on a high note. If anyone is owed anything, it's these guys:

Sittin' on top of the world, part 2

2008-12-04T12:24:00.013-05:00

Part two of a three-part series of incoherent rants, jumbled musings and confused bullhockey about the last three seasons. Highlighted here is the Season of Unfulfilled Promise, 2007.

So the fluke may have been just that, a fluke. We'd never lose a game that ugly under Tressel again, for reasons I can no longer scrounge from what remains of my seventeen year old self. It simply couldn't happen again, could it? We're the elite of the elite, a top 5 program, and nothing can slow us down, right?

Well, for the first eight games, 2007 seemed to return to the storybook sensibility that 2006 often portrayed up until the brutal, final end. Bruised and battered from humiliating defeat, a young team was rising to the occasion to redeem itself and the program for one massive, recent failure that shamed them (unfairly) in the eyes of the nation. Led by yet another in a long line of big, bruising Buckeye running backs, an affable, fifth-year (!) junior at quarterback and a downright sick defense, the men of the Scarlet and Gray were carving out a warpath to New Orleans, and they were hellbent on bringing back the crystal to its rightful home. That yarn culminated in a 37-17 prison rape of Penn State in Happy Valley. Todd Boeckman put Troy Smith's performance in '05 to even greater shame, Thunderous McTankly could not be stopped by the best run defense the Buckeyes would play all year, and the passing game finally showed signs of being a genuine threat, something other teams actually have to worry about. The defense gave up some yards to Penn State, but they "always ran on us", so it was forgivable, ya know?

Two weeks later, [Name Redacted] and the fighting [Redacted]i came into Columbus with two losses: to middling Michigan and Iowa teams. In quite possibly the strangest choice of defense in his entire time at Ohio State (outside the Florida game, of course), Heacock chose to run almost exclusively soft zone against Juice Williams, one of the most mistake-prone quarterbacks this side of Chris Leak. Blitzing only on obvious passing downs (a meme that will be reinforced later on), Juice was asked to make simple reads and simply run to the side they're not blitzing on when said reads were covered. Thus, we have the easiest 4 TD passing day Juice Williams has probably ever had. Maddeningly, Jokester Jim number two chose to blitz on seemingly every down on Illinois's final possession, and, enragingly (that's a word now), all Juice had to do was run where there wasn't a LB blitz. That's it. Ohio State gave him the easiest first downs of his life, and he took them without question. But to blame this game on Jokester Jim number two and Jokester Jim number two alone is unfair, and ignorant of a number of other factors I don't feel like listing because for me the grief is still too near oh fuck it here they are: Todd Boeckman threw three picks, three defensive breakdowns and one terrible fumble call by a corrupt ref and simply a better game from the Illini gave Illinois the win. It's as simple as that. Despite their thuggish actions after the game, I hold no grudges to Illinois for exploiting the second-dumbest defensive scheme I've seen.

Sigh.

So you can tell that loss still sticks with me. Losing to Ron Tiberius* Zook at home is something that should scar anyone for life, even if you're a Northwestern fan (my condolences).

*Not really his middle name, but should be

You know the rest of the season. Ohio State rode Thunderous McTankly to a 14-3 win at Michigan, Pandora's box was opened in the intervening weeks: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, American Idol, and Ohio State finding its way back to the title game. Against an SEC team.

Hell, LSU looked beatable. Darren McFadden beat them By His Own Damn Self, and so did a meh Kentucky team. Surely we're better than Kentucky?

Turns out, not so much. After another fast start, the Buckeyes crumpled, and Tressel and Heacock went into their respect run-run-pass and soft-zone-obvious-blitz shells after LSU came back and left a big ol' mushroom print on Ohio State's hopes of actually winning. I don't know why they did it, I don't care to know why they did it, they did it, it sucked, life sucks, and we're never gonna fucking win a bowl game against these mulleted hicks and their fried food and their shitty T-birds and their shitty Kenny Chesney and fucking Christ next year better fucking redeem us.

I stopped thinking that way the next day. Well, at least the redemption part. I realized that as much as I love and support the players on this team, there is a chance that, like God Himself Bruce Springsteen once sang, their best will never be good enough. I knew it was a little early to declare this special group of players; Malcolm Jenkins, James Laurinaitis, Alex Boone, and the rest to be - for lack of a better term - cursed. To this day I still don't think they are, because since then I've realized the fault does not lie entirely with the players and the multiple first-day draft picks on both sides of the ball. The problem is increasingly coming from the top, and no matter how much talent is being brought in, this problem can not be covered by recruiting the daylights out of the "speed states" and grabbing three of the best offensive tackles in the latest recruiting class.

This is already too long, but as a footnote, you may have noticed a distinct lack of funny in this piece. This season was unbelievably frustrating because it showed what this team can be at its highest point (Penn State) and the very lowest (Illinois, LSU), and the timespan between those highs and lows was short and jarring. Thus, the humor, what little their was, didn't come easy.

I want to point out that I have never felt a sense of entitlement for this program. I have never believed that since I spend so much money on Ohio State merchandise and because my father donated something like 1/10th of his company's worth to the University, that the program, or the players, owe me a damn thing. Even when I was young and (less) stupid, this concept never entered my mind. I owe far more to this program for great memories of great football than it does for my meager contributions. When I call for the heads of certain coaches in the final installment of this series, it will not be because I "demand" it or I find the current (very good) state of Ohio State football "unacceptable". Think of them more as business recommendations, or how the program can improve its standing by trimming the fat, literally and figuratively. There is a particular path we don't want to go down, and that is the path of Michigan and Florida State - one of cronyism, nepotism, arrogance, misplaced trust and blind faith that because we are good we will always be good and nothing will ever change forever and ever amen lalalalalalalala I can't hear you we're the elite of the elite no matter what happens lalalalalala.

You get the point. I hope.

Sittin' on top of the world, part 1

2008-12-03T13:17:00.013-05:00

The first in a three part series about - you guessed it - the last three years of Ohio State football

November 18, 2006. If you're an Ohio State fan and that date does not resonate with you in some way, you are dead to me, and the rest of the fan base. Number one versus number two, two evenly matched, excellent teams trading body blows for four quarters and the good guys emerging victorious. I was sitting there, Section 10B, row 13, seat 35, both arms raised in the air in a show of absolute joy - all my doubts, fears, and questions about the team erased with this one seemingly final triumph - as Antonio Pittman took the ball left for a first down, defiantly raising his muscular arm into the air and extending his index finger into the crisp autumn Columbus air. Only one more game to go and then we can officially call this the golden era of Ohio State football.

I was also there, couch, middle of my living room, Worthington, Ohio on January 8th, 2007, when the courage of men failed. When we forsook our friends and broke all bonds of fellowship. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of men came crashing down.

Alright, it wasn't that bad. But nonetheless, the dream season came to an end with both the deadening bang of 41-14 and the whimper of David Patterson crying on the sidelines. 22 angry alligators swallowed up the Book of Dreams before the last page could be written. I bear Florida no grudges - they took advantage of our weaknesses and played to their strengths. Despite what people say about them, the Gator fans who lived in Columbus showed a lot of class with their win, even when the final score essentially demanded a heavy round of razzing for their Ohio State fan friends. I can't say I wouldn't have talked occasional shit to them had the score been reversed, though I know I would have done it facetiously.

The ensuing offseason was an odd one. 41-14 was the 4114lb gorilla in the room, taking a giant dump all over great memories from the win at Texas and Buckageddon and flinging monstrous flecks of shit at optimism for the upcoming season, which looked to be a year of heavy rebuilding before the big one in 2008.

But there was an undeniable seed planted. Whatever worked against a down Big Ten and a rebuilding Texas didn't work - like, at all - against a Florida team that struggled to put away basically everyone it played. Florida walked into Tempe and beat #1 Ohio State, with Troy, Teddy Ballgame, Gonzo, Little Animal, MJ, Alex Boone, and Beanie freaking Wells by as much as it had beaten Southern Miss (Dr. S, if you're reading this, I mean no offense). While many fans were willing to call the game a fluke, blaming it on Troy Smith and his tasty cheeseburgers, and the offensive line and their tasty baconchocolatecakecoronoarystravaganzas, and the general fact that most of the time no one gives a team a change in a game, said chance-less team comes out and after four quarters, all of the favored's team base are belong to them. Personally, I didn't know what to think. My Scout and Rivals-addled 17 year old brain called it was "a fluke", insisting that 9 times out of ten Ohio State would win that game. This is what Scout does to you, people. That is your brain on Scout. I stopped reading and contributing consistently to Scout the day after the championship game. I couldn't bring myself to stop reading and posting altogether until sometime in the next season, unfortunately.

2006 ended in disappointment. 2007 didn't have much promise, being a rebuilding year with seemingly tough games at Penn State and Michigan. If there was any time to be fatalistic about the team if not the program, this was probably it. I missed the boat. I didn't think the team would be great, but I didn't think the program was dead either. Just another 10-2 season and a BCS game, no?

What the fuck, Scout?

2008-12-02T15:25:00.007-05:00

So I made the mistake of dropping by the Ohio State Scout website today, only to see that recruiting has hit a new high (low?) in overall creepiness. The young man above is a freshman for an Ohio high school football team. A freaking freshman. I could not tell you which high school he plays for, because I am not a pederast. Look, I know the guys at Scout have jobs to do and probably get paid for well for what they do, but come on. He's a freshman, damn it. The kid is about five minutes older than my youngest cousin, someone I remember as a newborn. Soon he'll get hair in funny places and start thinking about girls.

I'm exaggerating, but before this kid has had to memorize the Preamble, he's got 40 year old dudes, Scouts and fans of teams he may or may not be interested in salivating over his "athletic ability", his "hip swivel" and his "body control". Calm down, you dirty pedos, and at least wait till the kid is within shouting distance of 18 so he can immediately recognize your sweaty, fat, poorly-mustachioed asses for what you are, answer your questions, and avoid your shit until signing day.

"Hip swivel", dude.

Mardy Gilyard's name rhymes with retar- oh, wait.

2008-12-01T16:10:00.008-05:00

So, I was looking to do a very juvenile, sophomoric hitpiece on Cincinnati Bearcats Wide Receiver Mardy Gilyard for his comments in this video:

(I don't know what's with the white space on the video above, apparently directly copying the embed code from palestra breaks the internets)

Having heard of him only in passing ESPN highlights prior to this game, I was getting ready to light into him for calling out a team that met his own as recently as 2006 in a 37-7 Ohio State pasting. Gilyard, for some reason, had redshirted that year (likely out of fear of being covered by the truely fearsome - I'm dead serious raight hurr - Antonio Smith, a former walk-on). Anyway, prior to finding the video embedded above, I found this:

And I stopped. I had an entire diatribe cooked up specifically for Mardy ~~McFly~~ Gilyard. Instead, I'll talk about one thing he said and approach it reasonably. Have no fear: "reason" and "rationality" have little place in Ohio State fandom, and accordingly, will be shown the door - for a while - after this post.

Gilyard alleges that UC is seen as a little brother to big bad Ohio State. Not only has no one on Ohio State's current roster or coaching staff labeled them as such, but Cincinnati football is so far removed from the football consciousness of the state that the last time these teams met, no one considered it a rivalry. Like, at all. Cincinnati scored the first touchdown and immediately began supplying the butt to Troy, Teddy and Co. and Ohio State won in a walk typical of a MACrifice.

This all happened after Cincinnati nearly knocked Special K and the Silver Bullets' title run clean off the tracks in 2002, when a last-minute interception prevented a Cincinnati touchdown and sealed the Ohio State win, preserving the Greatest Season in the History of Sport (Marty Schottenheimer Calls It Sport, So I Call It Sport). This is not a rivalry even on par with the joke that is the MSU-UM rivalry, in which UM dominates and MSU picks up the scraps when UM is down. There is as much of a rivalry between Ohio State and Cincy as there is between Florida and USF. It simply doesn't exist. Don't try to start one by being dbags and calling us out. Penn State has tried that and we (or at least I) still don't really consider it a rivalry game, hurdled bags of piss or no. Don't be Penn State. The next thing you know Brian Kelly will develop an insatiable hunger for brains and half your starting line-up will be behind bars. And Italian. Don't be Penn State.

That's my closest approximation of reasonableness, by the way.

Buckeye (Bowl) Breakdown

2008-12-01T14:58:00.015-05:00

Okay, since I was dumb enough to start this blog after Ohio State's football season has ended, I figured I should first discuss a topic most relevant to the team: the bowl picture. Things cleared up all nice and tidy-like with Oregon's successful Rape of the Oregon State Beavers (hurr hurr durr Beavers) and Pillage of greater Corvallis (is Corvallis big enough to justify a "greater"?). The 65-38 blowout knocked the Beavers out of their potential Rose Bowl grudge match against Penn SHTAAAAAAAATE, and vaulted both Ohio State and Boise State into the at-large picture.

Ohio State's most likely destination, should they land in the BCS, will be either the Fiesta Bowl or the Sugar Bowl. Since the BCS rotates the order of bowl picks year-by-year, each year a different BCS bowl picks first. This year's it the Fiesta. Assuming Oklahoma wins the Big 12 championship game, it'll land in the MNC to play the winner of the SEC championship game. Thusly, all the questions of whether or not anemic offenses in the SEC are the result of superb, NFL talent-laden defenses and whether or not the outright-redonkulous offenses of the Big 12 are the result of lackluster defenses will be answered forever and ever amen and annoying fans on both sides will shut the fuck up and stop bothering people who aren't even fans of teams in their conference some of whom don't know the first damn thing about football and most of whom couldn't give less of a shit and we'll never again have to have these stupid distance pissing contests that would make Scout and Rivals message board ~~pedophiles~~ douchebags proud. Right.

Anyway, the Fiesta picks first, remember? Chances are good that the Fiesta Bowl officials are going to remember how Ohio State fans made Tempe ~~a Blood Orgy~~ The University of Ohio State at Tempe in 2002, 2003, 2005, and 2006, and will snatch us right up to be led to the slaughter at the hands of Texas or Texas Tech (fuck you and your archaic championship system, Big 12). Bring your daught-ah, bring your daught-ah, and all that:

Failing that, the Sugar bowl will take Ohio State, pairing them off against the SEC runner-up. The thinking here will likely be "how can we improve the image of a conference whose probable champion lost at home to Count Giggity and LOL Miss"? The answer: pair them up with an Ohio State team that still sees something useful in the services of the Jokester Jims. Who, you ask? Jim Bollman and his nefarious Bucktache and Jim Heacock and his ~~cute daughter~~ undying, desperate, unbridled passion for deploying the soft zone against any team with any talent not named Penn SHTAAAAAAAAAATE. This Deadly Alliance was largely the undoing of Ohio State in the last two title games and oh yeah, That One Game Out West of which we do not speak (except to bitch and moan). I'm willing to wager that, in order to disrupt a once-unthinkable crisis of confidence in ~~backwater~~ SEC country, the Sugar Bowl will take an Ohio State team that probably isn't deserving of a BCS berth.

If the world ends and Boise State and Utah are both selected over the Buckeyes, hope will renew, as we would fall to either the Orange or Capital One Bowls, both winnable. The OB would pit the Buckeyes against the winner of the ACC championship; either Boston College or Va Tech. This is not likely, as Cincinnati, Big East champ is much more likely to fall into this spot because there isn't anywhere else they would fit in the BCS easily. The Capital One bowl might not sound sexy now that the Buckeyes look to be BCS bound, but, in this intrepid blogger's opinion, is the most likely to yield a win, because Georgia looked erm, beatable, against Georgia Tech this last week.

The Georgia Tech that beat Wofford.

By three points.

Wofford.

Three points.

TL;DR: We're headed to Tempe, Nawlins, possibly even Orlando for New Years. Wherever you go, bring the lube.

It is time.

2008-12-01T13:45:00.011-05:00

I've been meaning to start an Ohio State football blog for a long time. As a drive-by commenter on various CFB blogs for the last year or so, I've come to know and ~~appreciate~~ ~~understand~~ acknowledge the ~~art~~ personal pastime (like masturbating, but with something less meaningful to show for it at the end) of blogging. So, I'm giving it a shot myself.

Let's get a few things out of the way first: I am an Ohio State football fan, and have been for all of my adult life. Why not all of my life, you ask? Because I was the fat geeky kid in elementary school who got picked on by the Youth Boosters football players for being fat and geeky. I'm not bitter; I deserved it. Were I in their position I can't say with any authority that I would have done any differently. Picking on fat people is funny, damn it. Don't chastise me, you know for three years or moe you've been cracking fat jokes every time Notre Dame, Kansas, Maryland, Toledo, or Tennessee hit the field. Don't be frontin'. Anyway, I was butthurt about the fat jokes as a kid and thus didn't care much for the sport they played. I was young, and that means I was dumb.

Anyway, I became a football fan at the right time: 2001, on the eve of the Greatest Football Season Ever in the History of Sport (Marty Schottenheimer Call It Sport, so I Call It Sport). Sure, we had to watch a second straight heartbreaking loss to an SEC team in the bowl game (ARGH FORESHADOWING ARGH), but we beat Michigan with our backup quarterback we're pulling in the No. 1 guy on ~~the FBI's most wanted list~~ Scout and Rivals' player rankings, and boy oh boy Mike Doss was coming back and something special was brewing.

Fourteen straight coronaries later, Jim Tressel and the ragtag band of overperforming misfits known as Special K and the Silver Bullets were hoisting the trophy at midfield in Tempe, Arizona. I was hooked.

I'd say that I've been with this team through thick and thin, but I have to be brutally candid with you: I've never seen thick. The worst season Ohio State has endured, record-wise, since 2001 is a middling 8-4 season with a young team and an upset win over ~~the Dread Hosts of Lloyd the Deceiver~~ Michigan. When your toughest times are ugly losses in national title games, you've got it pretty good, comparatively. While I hesitate to call this a golden era of Ohio State football, it's something special that relative newcomers like me should appreciate. This blog will do all it can to do just that, hopefully with humor, candor, and a realistic perspective on the Best Damn Football Team in the Land.